Tears rolling down her cheek.

A letter to PeiShi,

I know that it is tough and hard, for you to accept the death of your mom. You did not come already for few days in a row. I could see that you are digging yourself into the soil, trying to bury your life and your spirit alive. You thought you are strong. You act like nothing had happened, but actually you are hiding away your grief, trying to build a strong fortress against the sorrow within. You might say that I’m not in your shoes. But there is something I would like to let you know, that WE are walking towards the future. WE are going to be alongside with you. I’m not objecting you to look back into your wonderful memories, but at least let sadness recede as we proceed. Let the time do its job. What your mom would want to see is you and your sister and brother and dad, of course, to continue living happily and truthfully, even in the days without her. The days ahead, you would have more responsibility; you are the eldest, and now the woman behind your dad, the supporter of this family. I bet it’s your mom’s wish to see you in all success. And you shall wait happily until the day she comes forward to fetch you with proud smile.

Today driving test. Waited for a long time. Passed my on-the-road which the tester was so harsh and kept nagging around while I dove. He even helped me to control the steering as if I dunno how to drive. Arghh.. pass mainly because I paid under-table. Then the hiking slope part, I tried twice. First over-shot. Second was just nice on the yellow line. Phew.. I failed my parking test. I’ve got my car into the parking lot. When I reversed to drive out to the third section, the butt of the car touched only a little the stick. The officer quickly asked me to get out of the car and leave. Arghh..Fuck it. Never felt so embarrassed. If only I didn’t reverse so much. If only I got a better car. If only I wore a more comfortable clothes. If only the officer was kind enough to let me continue. If only my instructor was not so high-hoped me. If only I wasn’t nervous. Arghh.. I FAILED!! Arghh… 150+ to be paid for the next test. No point blaming now. I could only say it was my fault for being so proud and din pay concentration. No more pride. Be humble. You can do it!!

Balik kampong today. Happy to meet all relatives. Came back for my grandma who has been suffering from leg swollen for a few months and quiet for all this while until we knew it from her neighbour.

Plucked a lot of coconuts today. Practiced hacking coconut in order to get its relieve-thirsty milk and yummy flesh. Love it!!

A kitten. White fur-not thick, with a few tiny brown-color spots on its neck. It looked dirty. Eyes narrowed as though it had just woke up from dream. Big reddish nose. Nostrils were so small, only be spotted when it inhaled. Hiding at a corner of a restaurant. It looked weak. Where is its Mom? Its front paws hid its face beneath. It’s weeping. Sorrow filled its air. Water splashed on it. It was frightened. Mischievous kid flung a kick to it. It meow-ed off with regret. Daddy’s girl screamed as she saw such ugly creature which then it got shoo-ed away by her dad with a stool. It has no choice but to leave with wet body, trembling.

A waiter. In an old restaurant. Spectacled. 30+ yr old. He is like normal man. But one of his hands is partly disabled. He has difficulty to bend his arm. His fingers are so small and crooked. They couldn’t move even an inch. They are rigid in their own sockets. But he managed to hold a small note book in that hand and the other copied down orders. He shouted at the bar for drinks. No, he shrieked. Like apple core had choked his throat.

An old Indian lady. Wearing sari. Walking at the road side. Limping. Having difficulty to lift her right leg. Sweating even though the weather was cold. Couldn’t stand the pain anymore. She slowly sat on her pathway. She lifted that leg to a more comfortable position. She was gasping. Both her hands massaging the right leg. It’s swollen. Red rashes all over it.

There are a lot of unlucky people around us. I ounce thought I’m the one and only unlucky creature in this world. I’ve failed my parents’ wishes. I failed all the scholarships I applied. I though with my magnificent result, I could easily get into famous colleges and universities. I was so naïve. Out there, thousands and hundreds of geniuses are too applying for these colleges. My ‘magnificent’ has become the ‘poorest’ compared to them. That’s why I failed all them. I thought I’m the best. I’ve got good result. A few 100% in my AddMaths. That makes me prouder. I started insulting those weaker. That was not me. Arghh.. until I see these scenes. I realize everyone has his/her own disability. And we should accept it and make use of it. God has wanted me to pursue F6 by failing all my applications. I dunno how to play basketball and football, but I play piano well. I love books and music, but all my friends favor in games, sports, and TV. I’m a failure in love and romance. However I’m willing to contribute myself and distribute my properties to the country and society. I want to be myself again-adapting to all my disabilities and most importantly, be humble.

Today’s my mom’s birthday. Happy birthday, Mommy!!

I dunno why.. Tonite is kinda long for me.. Tonite I miss her so much.. Shud I send her some msg? .. Nah, she's having exams these few weeks.. No good bothering.. Later.. These are all excuses.. I just won't admit myself a coward.. Tonite accompanied by musics.. I told bout my newly bought iPod that nite.. Not much talking done.. She is alwayz that cool.. keeping things from me.. She off9 then.. Upset.. I still have a lot of things to share with her.. Her sweet voice.. Her nice fragrance (still left on my tie..sniff..sniff..).. Her cute look ( I thought I met her today..But when i got close to 'her' ..It wasn't her.. a white-er version of her..LoL) .. I could never forget..Hush.. Remember the day we met..in a classroom.. the moment we start getting together.. But we hav never express our feelings to each other.. I was a coward..

The whole day spent in midvalley..I used to look around (and now I'm still..) for pretty girls.. But every girl I spot has a similar shadow or image of her beneath.. I just couldn't help it.. Like I alwayz shop for long-sleeves and my frens are annoyed with it already.. Sry bout that.. My type is always similar to her.. I noe my taste.. Kinda totally different from my other frenz.. Coz everyone is different and special.. So, guys stop laughing at my type...Grr..Never ever ever..

My Girl and I.. I watched that movie recently.. by lovely actors Cha Tae-hyun & Song Hye Kyo ..so sad..so romantic..the designer of the poster has succeeded to grieve me..the sky behind..i feel like wanna cry whenever i look into this love bird..so pity are they.. they say everyone has their own destiny..my granpa destiny is my grandma..my father's destiny is my mom..and i want my destiny to be YOU..pls..don't die..Live for the sake of me..we can make our world full of colors...she died then in their hugging..before he could finish his words..

That's how karma woorks..
You think everything is ser in your favour..
but life puts many curves in your path..
One small twist can bring an entirely different fate..

A day full of tireness. I’ve done nothing today in the office but I feel so sad so tired. Time seems crawling too slowly. Whole day raining. I recalled years back later. A question thrown by my blind relative. ‘How does rain fall? In thread? In drops?’ That question freezed me for a moment. ‘In drops.’ I said. She then kept quiet. Non-stop heavy rain today looks like I’ve to change my answer back then. Standing still in the middle of the street. I observed. No, I’m observing. Everything that passes by. Everything that caught my attention. Cars, busses, crowds, group of teen (wearing lala), love birda playing around with their fingers…. I observe everyone of them. But do they see me? They know my existence? Wind blowing.. I’m savouring my bread roll. Nobody seems notice me-alonely (cute) guy. They are in hurry with their business..or I shall say their life. Actually, why are we living? Why do we deserve to be a human? Why not plant, animal or insect? The answer is quite fascinating..or I shall say cruel. Life revolves around money. Today, money is everything. If you have everything but money, you are dead in this materialistic world. If you have money but others, you are the successor. Money is everything.....

Yuki No Hana..

雪花 《雪の华》

曲名：雪の华 歌手：中岛美嘉

日文歌词： 中文翻译：
のびた人阴(かげ)を 舗道に并べ
不断延伸的影子 在红砖道上并列
夕暗のなかをキミと歩いてる
在深夜里与你并肩走着
手を繋いでいつまでもずっと
永远紧紧牵着手 只要能在你身旁
そばにいれたなら泣けちゃうくらい
我就感动得快要哭了

风が冷たくなって
风儿变得寒冷
冬の匂いがした
有了冬天的味道
そろそろこの街に
这条街也即将到了
キミと近付ける季节がくる
能和你接近的季节来临

今年 最初の雪の华を
今年 最初的雪花
二人寄り添って
向我俩靠近
眺めているこの时间(とき)に
在眺望着的这个时间里
シアワセがあふれだす
充满了幸福的喜悦
甘えとか弱さじゃない
没有撒娇和脆弱
ただ、キミを爱してる
只是 爱你
心からそう思った
打从心底爱你

キミがいると どんなことでも
只要有你在 无论发生什么
乗りきれるような気持ちになってる
都会有可以克服的心情
こんな日々がいつまでもきっと
我祈祷着 这样的日子
続いてくことを祈っているよ
一定会直到永远

风が窓を揺らした
风儿吹的窗摇
夜は揺り起こして
把夜晚摇醒
どんな悲しいことも
无论多么悲伤的事情
ボクが笑颜へと変えてあげる
我用笑容为你改变

舞い落ちてきた雪の华が
雪花飞舞飘落
窓の外ずっと
在窗外一定
降りやむことを知らずに
不知何时雪已停
ボクらの街を染める
把我们的街道染色
谁かのために何かを
想为某人做些什么事
したいと思えるのが
原来 这就是爱
爱ということを知った

もし、キミを失ったとしたなら
如果 失去了你
星になってキミを照らすだろう
我会变成星星照亮你
笑颜も 涙に濡れてる夜も
微笑 或被泪水沾湿的夜晚
いつもいつでもそばにいるよ
我会永远在你身旁

今年 最初の雪の华を
今年 最初的雪花
二人寄り添って
向我俩靠近
眺めているこの时间(とき)に
在眺望着的这个时间里
シアワセがあふれだす
充满了幸福的喜悦
甘えとか弱さじゃない
没有撒娇和脆弱
ただ、キミとずっと
只是 想永远地
このまま一绪にいたい
就这么一直在一起
素直にそう思える
我真心地这么想

この街に降り积もってく
在这条街上堆积的
真っ白な雪の华
纯白雪花
二人の胸にそっと想い出を描くよ
悄悄地在我俩胸口画上回忆
これからもキミとずっと
从今而后也要永远和你在一起...


nobita kage wo hodou ni narabe
yuuyami no naka wo kimi to aruiteru
te wo tsunaide itsumademo zutto
soba ni ireta nara nakechau kurai

kaze ga tsumetaku natte fuyu no nioi ga shita
sorosoro kono machi ni kimi to chikadzukeru kisetsu ga kuru

* kotoshi, saisho no yuki no hana wo
futari yorisotte
nagamete iru kono toki ni
shiawase ga afuredasu

amae toka yowasa ja nai
tada, kimi wo ai shiteru kokoro kara sou omotta

kimi ga iru to donna koto demo
norikireru you na kimochi ni natteru
konna hibi ga itsumademo kitto
tsudzuiteku koto wo inotte iru yo

kaze ga mado wo yurashita yoru wa yuriokoshite
donna kanashii koto mo
boku ga egao e to kaete ageru

maiochite kita yuki no hana ga
mado no soto zutto
furiyamu koto wo shirazu ni
bokura no machi wo someru
dareka no tame ni nanika wo shitai to omoeru no ga
ai to iu koto wo shitta

moshi, kimi wo shinatta to shita nara
hoshi ni natte kimi wo terasu darou
egao mo namida ni nureteru yoru mo
itsumo itsu demo soba ni iru yo

* repeat

amae toka yowasa ja nai tada, kimi to zutto
kono mama issho ni itai sunao ni sou omoeru
kono machi ni furitsumotteku masshiro na yuki no hana
futari no mune ni sotto omoide wo egaku yo
kore kara mo kimi to zutto...


I noe u r listening to me..i wanted to say this long time ago..charangheyo..aishiteru..now i noe y u insisted me to listen to the japan version..i shud hav known dat..i wan to say..sarangheyo..sarangheyo..sarangheyo...sarangheyo...

Life.. what is the meaning of living in this world ? why are we born here as a human form? This is what I’ve been looking for a long time..i remember my childhood which is neither nice nor bad for me..there was once ..i watch a ghost movie ..feel so scared..cant sleep all nite..fear tat if I fall asleep,I ‘ll die..death ..wat’s tat ?it’s still an unknown today..where will we go after death? .. what’s d purpose of death? Death really scares me..His brag haunted me for few weeks..almost every nite..rite after dinner..i’ll ask my mum..`where willl we go after death?’ and `what r we after death?’ …I noe they dun even noe d ans..no point asking anymore..few nites spending wif my parents sleeping together..few years later..i found another question..wat’s d purpose of living ?spending few years in future to search for d answer is one of my ambition… I dun hav d opportunity to get involved in my religion..it’s a regret..bak to my skullife..i ‘ve ad stuck to the same schedule for almost 8 years..study,h/w,revision,n tuition..till last year..i ‘ve found there’s smth wrong wif my life..i noe it shud not b only exam n study..sth even more meaningful is waiting for me..so I started to put myself loose..start to noe new frenz..interact wif d form 4s..3s..2s..n now i met her..feel so much fresher..a life better than d previous this year I join pbsm with enthusiasm..no ponteng /truant.. pbsm my new family..a society we work together to achieve success..sweet memories start whirling in suddenly..then, another thing inspires me a lot is d novel by dan brown..Angels & Demons…science n religion should be in d same line..meaning they r supposed to b in d same body..not a ying-yang ..at the same time..i’ve found a new ques ..what is god? How can jesus n nabi communicate wif Him/Her?

Music is the vehicle wherein humankind journeys...

Her friend told me bout the break-up..but i didn't even noe they hav already started..two weeks she said..how come? Communication problem..Your phone spoilt? Shut that black joke..Sorry..You alright? I'm ok :P ..Izzit becoz of me? Jas told you everything..? Nop..she told me nth..No..not coz of u..communication prob..Silence..clock ticking..
I dunno shud i be happy or not.the rest of the day is pretty down..feeling guilty..feel like being fooled..that guy jas told me cried for the whole day..kinda pity him too..is she thinking that she is the boss..?? Manipulating in such way that now hurting ppl..Wad is she playing actually? I never now her..i dunno y i love her so much..Somebody pls pull me out from shrinking in this puddle water..

Huz..

Those crappy things are meaningless..i love you..jia yee..i love you..jia yee jia yee jia yee jia yee she is the woman I love.. I’m too late.. she belongs to somebody by now..

I went bak to skul today..and I saw her..but I was trying to avoid from her..when I’m leaving..juz in front of her, bunch of frenz pulled me bak ..and tcher chatted with me..i saw her few feets away..she noticed me too..hoping I can approach her..but I can never do that..i ‘m already determined to let go in order to make both her and that guy happy..mayb she’ll think I’m a jerk or wat..i’m such a cold-blooded when come to deciding..coz it’s good to hav me unhappy than the other two unhappy..sometime more is not necessary a good thing..sth I learnt from from my post of account assistant..that’s why i’m willing to sacrifice for the sake of her..so I did not even make eye-contact with her like we used to..but walked away..past was past..i’m the one who brought inconvevience to ppl..i shud be the one who mend it..maybe she will be mad of me..yea..she shud.. I’m suck a jerk..she’ll never noe how much I love her..how much I’ve done to please her and disguise myself..at last..so much of sustaining knives and blades..i think I’ve made her happy.. ppl u love..no matter how much you do..the main thing is to make her happy..and I think I’ve both succeeded and failed..coz I’ve made her hate and angry of me..but at the same time…..she must be having wonderful moment with that guy by now…..i wish you GOOD LUCK!! I’m such a silly and stupid guy..now only you noe..

Blood Donation Drive

It has been a long time I did not do charity..i haven’t been so active in outside skul activity recently..so, i joined a blood donation drive force..it was a nice experience..the world of which I know is not that cruel actually..there are loves flowing among the these people..they are like me..hoping to help people to make the world a better place to live..although the drive was organised in somewhere I don’t really think there will be many ppl contributing a part of their body..but..we succeeded 350 packs of blood..this over-hits the first point of us..which we speculate there would be only 200 packs.. the result was quite shocking.. I wore a grey colour shirt and a pure white trousers and a pair of white shoes as well.. with the shirt tucked in tight like small kid..i feel the stupidity of mine..but it was nth actually..i told myself..’you are helping the society and saving the world right now’..so bother nth about ur nerd appearance..lol..standing before a banner..i helped giving out the small notices..some ppl wanted me to bring them to the place..so kind am i..and so proud of myself being so kind-hearted..then when I’m bak to the venue, ppl are still waiting to donate their blood..packs of blood laid on the tray faraway..those are result from our effort..with these bloods..thousands and millions of lives can be saved..from the donatee..i can see hearts of wilingness to help the victims…some are even disable..sitting in wheelchairs..but they holding a wish to contribute to this society.. love starting to bond among the visitors..love are see-able right now in front of me..this love makes our world remain its beauty..so beautiful it is..so pretty..and i dun want to die now..

Tug-of-War

Forgetting doesn’t mean abandoning the feeling for her..it’ll never..the feeling last forever..dunnot hesitate…when the stars bring you to tears again..dont look bak..no..

War has been declared..together we stand with just..with L’s super deductive thinking..Light’s mysteries..Shinigami’s eyes..i’ll make this world a perfect place to all human..

I’m a kid..who doesn’t like to lose..Unraveling mysteries..like L..Concealing crimes..like Light..Seeing flaw easily with Sinigami’s eyes..The war has been declared..So don’t you try to win me..you ‘ll never succeed..

I’m a man of pretending..living in disguise..i onli feel myself is myself when I’m in bathroom..when I’m take off my cloths..when water of shower washes away the disguise of mine..dat’s when I’m who I am..

Fren: Hey wad cha doin? Don’t make me dat face again..i hate ur murung face..hmm..since u r so unhappy..let me sing u a song...（于是一手便捉起吉它）

“路边有一朵花花边长着一粒瓜

瓜边蹲着阿牛阿牛等着他的阿花

阿花告诉那阿牛说

她要到那遥远的地方去寻找她的理想

她的梦和不一样的日子她要到远方去生活

阿牛呆呆看着阿花半天说不出一句话

他唯有无奈的摘下身边那朵花送给他的阿花

然后说希望这朵花能够伴你找到你的梦和你的理想

还交代阿花记得写信给他
啊................



阿花的信一次比一次短

阿牛等信的日子却一次比一次长

直到有一天直到有一天直到有一天

有人告诉那阿牛说

你的阿花已经嫁给别人当老婆

她永远不会回来故乡

你不必再等她她不会回来了啦


(福建)伊已经找到别个人嫁给有钱人

忘记故乡的人你何必再等她她永远不会回来了啦

(福建)难道要等伊一世人等伊一世人?



路边已经开满花花边也长满了瓜

瓜边依然蹲着阿牛阿牛依然等着他的阿花

可是花儿开了又谢瓜儿长了又采

阿牛的阿花始终没回来……”

砰！！门关上。。雄走了出去。。wad’s left of the guy is onli the guitar and fan’s spinning..

I don’t wanna let u go..sarangteogeso..

A day of nitemares in the day time..before it starts I tot it was goin be a wonderful day. Everything went well until dat guy appear..i dun blame him..but myself..dat moment onwards myself become zero..nth at all but a shadow..tailing behind..dat guy..i never study him thoroughly..but I think he is kinda immature..my frank words..i dunno..feels like is she a bitch or wat..a gurl who falls to other easily..juz bcoz dat guy likes her..is dat her..perhaps..i never noe her much actually..juz some physical chats never further our feeling though..is my fault not to bring it further..i hav no such courage..we noe each other in our hearts..never told her my feeling.nor did she.. but y am I so coward..i dunno..mayb I’ll never noe..wad I want is a thing dat can last long forever..not puppy like thing..not kids playing with toys..always attracted to new dolls..i noe nth of her much..cant even approach further since she is so defensive..i’ve promised to wait..but will i..?? it’s all my fault..all my fault ..WHY am I so noob in basketball..nah..nvm.things get over faster than u tot..juz let it be..

Things went well when I’m alone.when both of them disappeared..everyone seems odd..i noe sth’s happening..i suspect dat guy..i knew dat..with L’s deduction and shinigami’s eyes..i noe everything..her frenz started to crowd me and hav me to stay away from them..i obeyed their wish..and when we reach karaoke..she went there later..seemed feeling guilty and trying to approach me..but I knew dat..dat’s gurl..she was feeling sorry..i pretended I was busy checking the mag..never even bother bout her even she is behind me..and she noe dat I knew her existence..she tot I was angry..dat’s great my mission accomplished..but the side-effect was sorrowness aroused inside me..lasted for the rest of the days..never been so humiliated..then when on9..i pretended I was happy with the outing..and pretended to be ok when they ask me wether I’m still angry..and prtended to be fine in front of her too..

So many times I hav been thinking bout this problem..i noe I hav lose..the lack of caring and loving make me a loser..i never blame anyone..it was all my fault..erm..for not being honest..for not being caring enuff..but shud I giv up..?? there r two choices for u..he and me..which one will u choose..they bet she ‘ll choose him..me guess dat too..marathon-like love will never suit her I can say..dat day onwards I noe dat we are from different world..me a boring guy..likes to shopping onli for books and musics..a guy who dunno how to express himself when come to face to face..a guy who is so secretive..a guy is very proud of himself..thinking nothing can obstacle him..hidung tinggi u would say..with flying colors results..so famous dat the tcher oso praise him..noe how to play piano..love musics..singing not bad..erm..humor..HEY!! am I promoting myself??..lol..nah..dun bother bout them..there are a lot of things ya’ll still dunno bout me..you think these are my kelebihan..and u like dat..but after u befrended with me..u’ll noe I’m not dat great..oh shit..bak to topic..i’ll never be hers..tot we could do long run(marathon)..but who noes…things hav gone so ruined in these few months..and I noe this kind of love will never be guaranteed...so ..let’s flow with time..time will change my perspect..LOL…Honestly..dat nite I’ve wished a shinigami will send me to execution..but It never happened until I realize there are a lot of things for me to do..like saving this world..lol..so wish me gud luck..

One Hour Before SPM....

How come time passes so slow?!
My heart pounded so fast so hard..
Butterflies in my stomach..
Can't stop myself looking at the clock..
Every tick slices my flesh..
Every round crushes my bone..
It's sooo torturing..!!

Hand in hand

Hmm… have you ever seen other old couples holding hands walking in the park.. time passes so fast.. I don’t even noe it’s already spring.. Sniff sniff nice fragrance of flowers..

Everytime I see her..my heart pounded so fast so hard.. YOU let me meet her even a minute, that’ll please me the whole day..the whole day drunk in love..oh god.. what had happened to me..though so close, we so far from each other.. so eager to tell..no courage.. whenever I see into your eyes.. they contains not even my shadow..my heart falls into the canyon at the speed of light..as if it’s the end of the world..

Places flooded.. dark clouds shrouding lands.. the world of mine has turned into darkness.. fear strikes.. her sweet voice faded away.. followed by sweet fragrance..and even her shadow.. from my mind.. I cant keep her in my small lil room anymore..sorry..perhaps..