I've been here before
Sat under the grey grey light.
Wondering if I'll die
Of the grey grey life.

I've been here before
Floored the pedal hard
on the grey grey road
Screaming out loud
What seems to sound
Like a grey grey song.

I've been here before
Couching on the stairs
Under the grey grey roof
Watching them passes by
Followed the grey grey shadows

And I ram into the wall again
Had I gone that wild again?
And I hold breath again
Had I got drown again?

I'm crawling back home again
fishing the same old key again
chucking the muddy boots again

All alone tonight
I stay up all night
All that I write about
is the grey grey time.

Have you ever travelled far just to meet an awesome singer? Sitting in the middle of all audience, you stand out with your mata sepet and ah beng hairstyle. However the moment she holds her guitar, and starts cracking her voice with the melody , you know that the awkwardness exists no more. You wouldn't care if she's a Malay, if she's wearing tudung and if you're the odd Cina fan of hers. Music binds us all, deeply within.

Have you ever followed blindly just to cheer up one of your boring Sundays? Standing among a school of small cute Indian kids, you blow the balloons on your hand, stick your hands into the freaking icy water together with them who have just challenged you or rub your ass against theirs doing some funny jokes. You are tall, way taller than anyone of these primary-schooled kids. They speak Tamil to you, expecting you to give out the lollipops clutched tightly in your hands, you shrug, scratching head. Looking at each other, bunch of you laugh your asses off without any reason. Laughter binds us all, deeply within.

Have you ever walked alone in the middle of nowhere, looking for the Hindu temple that you can barely remember found on the Google Map? Walking into the hall, you realize you're the only yellow-skin. Even though the light has dimmed down when you find yourself a seat, your skin glows in darkness among all. But no one really finds you odd, instead, accepting you as a part of the family, watching the member of their family dancing the stories of their Gods and Goddesses. The jingling of dancer's accessories and non-stop thumping of the feet on the floor wake you up from your same old conservative Cina dream, blinking at the beauty of the dance that praises the respect towards Gods. Dance binds us all, deeply within.

And here I'm back, claiming myself a truly Malaysian, exploring the identity of us all, savouring it like no one does. No one could understand why, neither do I. Perhaps, love is what we claim it is.

*Hari Malaysia is coming. Am working on something awesome for her celebration. Can't tell you what yet. But it's gonna be something non-political at all! X)

你知道每个星期日的早上，收音机总是播放着那80年代的歌曲。陈百强，张国荣等的经典歌曲。

昏昏睡睡中，早晨的阳光把你叫醒，拉你到房门前。
在那百听不厌的怀旧歌声下，妈妈哼着歌，边烫着你的校服。你站在门前看着她的背影，朦朦胧胧，却好熟悉。

好怀念。

那破旧的收音机，那过时的音律，在那耀眼的阳光，妈妈哼着当年与老爸的故事，点点滴滴都述说在那赤裸裸的歌声中。

妈，好想跟你说，每个星期天早晨的你，真的很漂亮。

妈，生日快乐。

Tic Tac

I've got a lie
in my pocket.

I've got a life
in my suitcase.

Throw me into the deep blue sea.
I'll swim
Swim till I don't see land
Swim to the lamp that waves at me.

Put me on a big jumbo bike,
I'll paddle
with both my arms spread wide open
against the direction of flux.
Guess what're my chances of getting rammed.

Give me some time,
I'll buy you a cup of coffee
from the café across the street
run by a lovely Chinese Malaysian couple.

I have a lie in my life.
I have a life in my lie.
Both in my pocket and my suitcase.

And I'm ready to fly
away from the life
that I'm standing fine.



I lie to live.
I live to lie.
But will never cross the line
of pride.

Dream, dream.

Do you have a dream?
...
Did you ever have a dream?
...

As far as I remember, I have dreams. No, better put, I HAD dreams.

I just realized that I'm lost.
It's not me that's operating my body anymore. My soul? Where has it gone to? I haven't had a clue.
It's been a while since my soul stayed intact with my body, synchronizing my efforts.

Yes, it's been a while.

Is it because I've achieved one of my greatest dreams? That my soul saw no reason to stay put with my body, that it had decided to wander outside, looking for its new mate.
Is it because the harsh ambient pressure that crushed my dreams so hard that they're now gone? What they left me with is just an empty opened jar.
Or is this part of the growing process where you've gotta abandon all your dreams before you step onto the so-called adult stage? The reality welcome your body, not your soul that carries the lollipops in the jar.

Dream, dream. I'd rather give up my youth to look for you, instead of bowing to the Mr. Reality who wants to sell away my body in London.
Dream, dream. We both promised to save the world together, to infiltrate the system, to f*ck around with the authorities. But how can I do these without you?
Dream, dream. I still have faith in you, even though I have got no idea what faith is. I just know that if you're around, my life will be sunnier, no matter how harsh it is.
Dream, dream. Your leaving is contagious. When you're gone, you had my student chosen the course she is not interested in. When you're gone, my friend's future is bleak as lust came over to him and broke his virginity.
Dream, dream. I don't want to be sucked into this black hole of cruelty.

Where are you when I need you to throw me a rescue?

I once remember you told me not to be a dream chaser, but a dream catcher, like Ash not Team Rocket. I promise one day, I'll catch you with all the Pokemons I have in hand, before we can fight together again. Period.


Love,
Gotta-catch-em-all-again. =)

Random Awesome

It was 11'C,
Sunshine greeted the day
Down to Portobello Market I went,
Bought a plant and two shirts without a convincing reason.
That was something random,
That has turned to something awesome.

It was 12'C,
Of banana butterscotch crepes
And freshly-milked hot milk,
Wonderfully healthy breakfast that was.
That was something random,
That has turned to something awesome.

It was 13'C,
With laughter and teases,
I told her how I used to like her
Long time ago.
That was something random,
That has turned to something awesome.

It was 14'C,
Only hoodies and Hawaiian shorts
And clip-on sunglasses,
Walked through that awfully crowded Hyde Park.
That was something random,
That has turned to something awesome.

It was 15'C,
Filled up and sent the application form
For the volunteering programme
Under the turtle conservation project.
That was something random,
That has turned to something awesome.

It was 16'C,
Solved dozens of Math questions,
Derived Cramer's rule,
Discovered the good use of Matrices
To solve Pauli's spin in quantum mechanics.
That was something random,
That has turned to something awesome.

When awesomeness are random,
When randomness are awesome,
You know that spring is already here.



P/S: Some of my friends have been complaining that my blog is a little bit too emotional. Well, I just can't help it. There are times you need to spit out all your unhappiness, there are times you need to tell somebody about your pain without telling them verbally, there are times you need to try and make yourself happy by eliminating all negative feelings. =)

Mannequin (Not Kate Perry's version, but it sings on the point of view of mannequin himself)

How do I get closer to you?
Whenever you walked pass me,
Your hotness had
My vision gone blurry.

I can't bear the hot flushes
Whenever you complaint my face
Was all fake blushes
I just knew that I've got crushes
With you and your brushes

'cause I'm not a man,
But I'm just a mannequin,
I wish that I could tell you
That my love is real
But my mouth got sealed.

What is this feeling of me?
Am I not me anymore?

I dreamt about you all night
Is my emotion still alright?
But I've got nothing to hide
'cause I'm always ready for you to ride

I wish I could grab
You and runaway
Away from your pestering manager
Away from your pity wages

'cause I'm not a man,
But I'm just a mannequin,
I wish that I could tell you
That my love is real
But my mouth got sealed.

I know that I've got only expire warranty
And a mountain of broken limbs
With me has no guarantee
You can only have breakfast with tea.

I don't want to be just a toy
God, can you make me a real real boy
To protect the gorgeous I truly love

I keep praying until the day she dies
And I still ain't a man.

Everything around turns muted
The moment you tell me the truth
I can hear my aortal organ
Free-falls then shatters
Like balloon filled with water splashes to the floor.

That afternoon
On the green spongy lawn
Where picnic mat was laid
I brought you your favorite sandwiches
And wine
I got my love speech memorized
I waited to play
For you
But you never came.

That night
I got the flowers
That you once said you liked
I had our conversation planed
Every words and sweet praises
Hoping you'll appear
At the front door of cinema
With the ticket clutched in hand
But you never came.

I waited all the while
You never came.

Today. Today. And today. I can clearly recall what happened on this very day last year. Another important person left my life, without telling me. I clearly remember that evening, the phone rang. It's from hometown. From mom's facial expression, I could tell something had happened. Something nasty. We rushed beck. My heart couldn’t stop beating. Could this be true? Or it wasjust another prank of cousins? On the high-speed roadway, only sirens of ambulances that passed by broke the silence in the car. No one spoke. Of nothing, but wait and pray.

I saw him lying on the armchair, motionless. His face covered. Sobs and weeps filled the atmosphere. I held his hands. Gently. Rest in peace, Ah Gong.

His rough wrinkled hands had been shaking when he gulped the water I poured. My heart ached, every time I saw him in such agony. I couldn't help but to try my best to accompany him whenever I've got time. At nights, I could hear him crying in bed. I knew the pain he had been suffering. But all I could was to sit beside him, hold his hands. At least, I thought, my warmth at those cold, torturing nights could cease his trembling.


It's been a year now. Things change so fast, Ah Gong. A year ago. I was the boy sitting next to you, telling you all the big dreams I held. A year after, I'm here, in London, faraway from home, faraway from you, faraway from grandma, to make my dreams come true, to make our family proud. But why? Why have you gone so early? You could have watched me took off. You could take care of ill grandma now. You could have finished off your Japanese era war story. I miss you, grandpa. How are you, in Heaven?

"This is university, not a pressure cooker." This is quoted from a Bollywood movie I watched recently. The three idiots in the movie has made my evenings rather emotional. They have brought me back to the days before I came here, to London, to this big University where you are so tiny little one and even insignificant as well. It's rather weird to see most of my course mates did not choose this course in the first place. They were offered by the department of materials, after being rejected by their course of preference. I'm shocked to see this.



You may have realized that my dull plain dry and tasteless way of writing is back. I've lost all my words, the ability to express my feelings in English. Where has it gone? Has photon banged into my head, and all the ideas and thoughts got excited to the atmosphere and vanished? Has my brain, in order to possess much lower Gibbs free energy, decided to become more diluted without me knowing? What had happened to me? The ability to think deep isn't within me, anymore. Now, I shut my eyes so tight, as though I'm Hiro Nakamura, trying to squeeze something out of my brain, even a tiny little fibrous mycelia strands of thought I wouldn't mind.

I had an awesome Christmas dinner, unexpected white New Year and a wonderful Birthday celebration over here. These are the days where I really enjoyed much, with bunch of friends. But as the sing-along songs we sung faded out, the fragrant smell of the curry died away, white fluffy snows on my head melted, all the laughter were carried home with everyone else, and when I'm back in my silent, dark attic room. Lots of thoughts ran in my head. Emotional moments were savored, accompanied by the beautiful sunset right outside my window.