I'm sorry for such long hiatus. It has been months since the last post. Have to keep you guys updated, ain't I?



1. I've been involved with Malaysian Society quite often. I'm now in lion dance team. Have to crawl up early every Saturday morning for practice. I'm the Lion's head. And I kept on changing my back, and I wonder why. People just can't be more consistent and disciplined. I've practicing hard for some stunts. Not easy I can say especially when you have to practice with that frigging heavy lion's head. But I just love it! At least I'm doing some exercise and I sweat a lot. And I'm doing things that normal folks can't do. The fact that when you really get the stunt correct and win the applause from your seniors is really thrilling. There will definitely be a lot of performance during Chinese New Year, and I'm so gonna be a part of the Lion Dance Performing Team. (Even the "Mainland" Chinese Society doesn't have their own Lion Dance team, how sad it is =X )
2. Besides Lion Dance, I too join the Mnite, which is, according to seniors, the most significant event in MSoc. I auditioned for acting, but to no avail. But the best thing is I get to take part in the opening dance, and I volunteered to do the ballroom dance. I'm just so fortunate to have a gorgeous partner, May Ling. Spinning, posture, steps, gesture, expression and most importantly the bonding between two are the parts that I savor in the dance. There are other dance coming up, and I'm doing one really CREEPY~~ dance, which is so sorrowful, expressive, soulful and …creepy! Haha. Well, "to get out of your comfort zone" and "don't worry you will get to wear mask on stage and people won't be able to tell who you are" are really the mantra Senior kept mumbling about during the practice. Hah! I didn't care much and just showed my gay-ous part deep down. All spilt in front of my friends, how embarrassing but yet fun!! LoL
3. I haven't for much chance to roam around London. I'm always stuck with my Lab Report during weekends. Sob.. T.T Studying in Imperial is so much fun, enjoying but stressful at the same time. You get to learn a lot of applicable knowledge, and they really expose you to the industrial world outside. I'm going on a visit to Nuclear Reactor next week. Even though I'm just 1st year, but my personal tutor get us to be part of the nuclear world by allowing us to attend Nuclear lectures which is supposed to aim for Year 3 and 4 Students.

Since the day I last-posted, I really feel better and start getting used to the loner life I have. I start making a lot more friends, making good buddies from our hall, mix well with my course mates and out going with some other people I met up randomly. Have wonderful plans but lousy execution. And here comes Christmas, the period that we all can take a deep breath. The holidays I've longed for! Alps, France here I come!!

What a Sorrowful Night! T.T

I couldn't believe I would cry on the phone today. Mom called this evening.

The moment I heard her voice through the cell phone, uncontrollably I broke into tears.

I wanted to tell her how much I miss her and Dad.
I wanted to tell her how much I miss the hot weather in Malaysia.
I wanted to tell her how much I miss her cooking. This is the first time I don't get to see my family for so many days.

She noticed that I was crying. She sounded confused too, keep on consoling me. I looked terribly ugly weeping in middle of Hyde Park. Perhaps some of the pedestrians have seen me. It's awfully embarrassing.

But I really miss my family much. I love them really much. I terribly want to hug them now.
I wish I could fly home immediately. But this is my choice after all. And I shan't give up half way. (Not even half way through!!)

Now I finally understand how did Chin Hau feel being away from family. I'm now experiencing the same ache in heart and torture in mental.

Hugs and warm consolation that's all I need from somebody out there, anyone will do.

Strength shall I obtain.
Courage shall I build from within.
There's nothing that can stop me. (You know that!)
Godspeed!

*P/S: I love you, Mom and Dad!
I love you, Sis and Bro!
Thanks for buying the discounted Dan Brown's copy for me! XD

London Life

It’s been two weeks I've touched down in London.
Except the food and weather,
I'm quite adapted to the environment here.
The Hall mates are nice.
The friends that I made are all friendly.
Peter and gang are just good pals to hang around with.
We've been spending quite some nights to cook dinner together.
(Most of the time, I'm quite embarrassed for not being able to cook. So, I offer myself to do the dishes. XD)
I've got great neighbors too. They're from different countries (Qatar, UK, Hong Kong, Singapore, France).
We mix together well.

Food here are either too cold or too "hot" (Chinese medicine defined) . I've got sore throat these few days, which leads to dry coughing now. Luckily, mom has packed me some medicine. Might be a little too early to use them, but I can't afford to get even sicker since there are lots of activities lining up for me in the weeks coming.

It's autumn now. Even though it's just starting of the season. The weather is terrible. The temperature is not that low, but it's the wind that bites you down to the bones. What's more, the unpredictable and unexpected drizzle is really irritating, which it can make you shake uncontrollably in the street. These two factors have got me into serious coughing at nights.

I'm kinda hate myself for applying Pembridge Hall. It's damn far from campus. And I'm almost late for the lectures last 2 days. Walking is quite tiring, undeniably. The tiredness has driven me to fall asleep fast in the lectures. I tried to concentrate hard, sitting straight, drinking water and chatting with friend couldn't help at all stopping me from dozing off. As solution to this problem (as what we the Engineers always look for), I've tried to look for bikes in Oxford St., but in vain.

I've made a lot of good friends here. I've a lot of fun here. However, I really hope that I can adapt to this life faster. I need to gain back the courage and stamina I once had for this brand new chapter of my life. Godspeed!!

Last Sorrowful Night in M'sia.

Here I am, crouching by the window.
The stars above are winking at me happily.
But why ain't I felling exhilarated?

When wait finally comes to an end,
Thing that you've been anticipating,
Lies just a few steps before you.
But you hold back,
Fearing that it is just a dream.
Fearing that it is going to change the way you are.
Fearing that it comes too fast, accompanied with muddy traps.

The pearly white moon
Seems to know me well.
"Beauty lies beyond the eyes of its truthful beholder"
Caffeine never stops pumping adrenaline
My brain is pulsing fast
My heart is beating hard
Sorrow and excitement
Swirling within the veins
In this gloomy night

Greetings and wishes from all
Do nothing to cease the grief.
I recall an old-time story
Of a boy who tries to steal cookies from a jar.
With hand full, he couldn't pull his hand out of the jar.
If he let go, he gets no cookies,
And all his efforts sneaking into the kitchen will be in vain.
Scarification you have to make, to get your cookies.
I'm determined to pursue this bitter dream.
Turning my back to the loved ones,
To this lovely land, and the finger-licking-good foods.
There will be no U-turn.
No matter how misty the path ahead,
I'll keep on galloping, galloping, galloping.

馬公民權價值受肯定~

This is a touching moment.

The joy that aroused when they have their nationality in hands.
Some waited for 10 years.
Some waited since this nation was broken free.

They're so keen of being a part of us. They're eager to join our forces, to build this country, to live this big family.

Tears of joy unwittingly rolling down their cheeks, knowing that all their effort, after all, is worth the price.

They are no longer them, they are one of us now.

Irrespective of skin colour, gender, religion and culture, we are all under one roof, we are all 1Malaysia.


Welcome, to our big family.



*You can take Malaysians out of Malaysia,
but you can't take Malaysia out of Malaysians.*

Godspeed!!

On this green land,
It continues galloping
Having no knowledge of
Which day is it now
How many valleys it has stopped by.

Its tireless limbs,
Working hard on mileage.
Worry for distorted iron shoe is neglected.
With the hope that
They can make it to their destination in time.

All parts of its body
Share the same dream
Away from home.
Broken free from nonstop whipping and heavy cart.
It is looking for its free land
Unafraid of thorns along the journey
Unafraid of beasts haunting its nap
It continues galloping
With the flame of dream
With the undying courage
In it.


Godspeed!!

I ♥ M'sia!!

At first, it's funny to read silly political jokes that are posted in the front page of newspaper everyday. But, as time goes by, these same-old-story jokes that never seem to stop annoy me. I've sometimes lost faith in their leadership. Of course, that doesn't mean I've stopped loving Malaysia, my lovely home country. In fact, it's the other way round. As the fact that I'm going to study abroad is dominating my life now, my passion and love for her, somehow, have grown stronger and stronger.

After all the encounters in BTN camp, I've started changing. Things aren't as simple as what I used to think. They seemed much complicated when you're in different shoes. You'll see how different people view something, some issues from their point of view. It is all affected by the "Environment" that they've been living, by the "Culture" that they've adopted since young, and by the "Perception" that they've been adoring. What's the whole point then, when we all have this Vision 2020, when we all are introduced this 1Malaysia concept? Are we going to change? Are we going to abandon the norms and be the so-called odds?

It all depends on what's inside you. And, at this moment, faith will tell.

On this 52nd National Day, I've got a new start. I no longer see myself as a Chinese, nor am I going to admit a Malay, not even an Indian. I call myself Malaysian, a truly Malaysian, proudly. The camp which seemed to have chipped patriotism from everyone, instead has sharpened and polished my loyalty towards this country. What have been implanted in me are the momentous scenes from the movie they played, (I've forgotten what's the title of the movie). Moment of how Kings and their people fighting for freedom, moment of establishment of strong bond between all races, moment when everyone regardless of skin color shouting "Merdeka!".

These are the moments I miss most. There are too, I believe, the memory Yasmin Ahmad cherishes. She is the Hero of us all. She is the Great One I adore. She speaks of what's in my mind. She portrays the picture in my head. She's always good at it. Being good at telling stories, being good at pulling the strings all around the ones involved, being good at delivering the reality and ideality. Harmony, peace, loving, caring, tolerance, respect and family. These are the things in us that she sees, oh no, saw.

Regrettably, she couldn’t celebrate this special day together with us. What she left for us is a not-even-five-minute Chocolate as blessing.

R.I.P Yasmin.

BTN? Hmm..

Time frame: 17th-21st August 2009

I was forced to take part in the notorious BTN camp. Some of you might have heard of this government propaganda. I first heard of it from Chucky. Not much to comment about as it's all disappointment and frustration aroused from what they deliver. I was allocated at the camp in Ulu Sepri, Negeri Sembilan. Yeah, a place near my hometown. It's basically a nice, peaceful and bird-chirping-can-be-heard-every-morning place, IF AND ONLY IF the crappy talk and nonsense presentation are cut away. No matter how, I am still grateful for what they'd planned for us. It's not as aggressive as what has been told by Chucky, maybe because they have changed their module into the theme of '1Malaysia'. The experience in the camp is definitely an eye-opener to me. More importantly, the urge inside me to change myself and alter this system is pounding harder and harder. "Change we believe!"

'Stimulated by Rejection'

I'm free-falling into this hole with unknown depth. 'Stimulated by rejection'. Laughing at my stupidity. Wondering what's been stimulated? Ah, it's the wound on my heart. Rejection has casted a stab into it, the throbbing hard and once healthy aortal organ. How many beers, how many Swiss chocolate, they couldn't intoxicate me. Not a bit. Kill me instead. Let it be fast and swift. Somebody, please. Sorrow keeps tossing me deeper into the hole. Sorrow compresses my lungs so hard, so hard that I'm suffocating at this singularity. Am I savouring it then? What are the chances of escaping it?

King's Crossroad?!

And here I am
in front of crossroads.
All options lead to nowhere,
mystical, uncertain destination.

And here I am,
Reminded of how Laughing Gor
Used his 5 dollar coin
To help deciding his pick

And I'm here
Before the signboard
50-cent coin in hand I hold

The sky is blue,
The sun is no where to be seen,
Hidden behind the thick pearly white cloud,
The decent scent of freshly mowed field.

Three tosses
I say
Head to North, Tail to South.

First toss,
*pring*
The coin flips in the air,
Flicker of hope
Lies between the two faces.
It drops to the ground
There it lies
Head it is.

Second toss, head too. I'm feeling lucky?!
Third toss, head AGAIN!
Head North, that is.

I'm determined
Looking at the three heads I scored.
I do the Maths,
Probability if getting 3 heads in a row,
1/6=12.5%.
Lucky I am?
Or this is His choice for me?

Who cares?
Go for it, I say.

And so,
I got my ticket punched.
Get ready for my journey to the North.
Place of full mysteries.
Place of full lures.
Place of full rocks and vines.
Place of adventure.

So long to this place I call home.

Spare me a day,
As I realised how mundane the world is.

Spare me a day,
As I realised how ugly truth is.

Spare me a day,
As I realised how much love that I've spanked away in this journey.

Shan't I use this special day
To make myself a nice breakfast?

Shan't I use this special day
To savour Mozart's and Beethoven's?

Shan't I use this special day
To tell you what's happening to me?

And I love you so
The people ask me how
How I’ve lived till now
I tell them I don’t know

Counting Days with Fingers..

Why?
Have you had good night sleep?
Everyone’s looking forward to it
Hanging onto hope
Wonderful dream
Away from reality
Away from life
For eternity
For temporary
Listen. The bedside desk
An empty wine bottle
An empty hot chocolate glass
Trace of lips still can be found
Scattered sleeping pills
He is still
rolling in his bed
Agony. Impatience. Bad-tempered.
He wishes if he is dead
Knock his wounded head onto the wall
Blood stain, splashes.
like fallen ketchup
Fainted. Dead. With big grin
“Thank you”
Last words recorded on his facsimile.

Wouldn’t it be better, if falling asleep naturally?
“No!”
“Wait is excruciating process.”
“I rather be dead”
That war in Iraq
haunted him every night.
No matter how many showers taken.
No matter how many pills swallowed.
IT just won’t budge.
IT just won’t leave.
He fought
For a good night sleep
For every soul he has sworn to save
For every kid who dreamt of peaceful home
For the end of that war
He fought well
but unworthy,
untruthful,
wasted.
They spitted on him
Blames did he not put on others.
Dreams did he all dream of.
Fight or Fly?
A good man’s soul
can never be buried away
His vision
His color-faded vision
Black and white
Only can he see
Love, passion, cheer
Would soak him well

One good news
could keep him livelier

One sweet dream
is the only thing that kept him alive
the only hope he can hang onto.

Look into the sky
The light travels 8 minutes
To reach our eyes
The star blinking
Far away
From thousands and millions years ago
Spend me some days
Give me my dream
Take away all troughs and crests
Wait is excruciating

There are so many things that I need to take care of.
UK’s offer, McGill’s offer, NUS acceptance, NTU acceptance, ANU acceptance, Perhentianh trip, ASEAN scholarship interview, Talk for the incoming lower sixers, tuitions, etc, etc, etc… I’m suffocating now. I have to submit my essay by Sunday. What am I going to write about the “Proudest Achievement” in my life? Hell, I have any great achievement? Somebody tell me. I’m not going to include my WONDERFUL results. That’s just ridiculous. I have to put in other things. Gosh, somebody save me.

I think I’ll just write about my Greenage Heroes. Here goes:

The proudest thing in my life. This topic has been haunting me for the past several months. This is because I don’t even know when I’m proud?

I’m sure that
All the flying colors results
All the certificate of achievements I’ve earned from various competitions
They have never been my proudest
I’ve always looking for
Wandering about how is I going to satisfy myself
Not with all the champions
But something else

This quest for pride deep inside my heart
Has persisted until I went to my pre-u program
During my senior high school
I was appointed as the Project Manager for an Environmentalism movement in the school.
The appointment was largely owed to my enthusiasm in environmental issues
All this while
I’m aware of the global warming effect has raised to red alert
If this deteriorating phenomenon is not to be put a halt to it
The world is going to doomed
However the awareness in me before this does not encourage me even a bit to do something
Until such appointment,
I look into the issue much seriously
I found that no matter what kind of activities
Competitions
They can’t really instill the green value in the students
No matter how many speeches done on every Thursday
We could still find food remnants in the recycle bin
Some even spit in it
The new recycle bins were even vandalized
All such happenings occur
Saddens us all

Love
Is powerful enough
To substitute caffeine
Nothing more to keep me awake
in this late night.



Her grandma
My grandpa
Her worries
My future
Her friends
My buddies
Angels and Demons
And a lot more
I listened carefully to her
She too listened to my story
It seems stories of all these 3 years
Of us both
spilled out
Wanting each other to hear
Wanted each other to share

It has been long ago
I watched her in such close distance
Her beautiful eyes
Her laughter

That feeling brought us back to the past
Back to where we left each other
But now it’s just with a bettered me.

The buttons of door budged
She opened the door
“Thank you for everything!”
I smiled back
There’s a second I wanted
I really wanted to grab her hand
I wanted to tell her
How much I love her?
Hey, you’ll be leaving Malaysia soon.
Don’t put her in the cage
And if you’re for real
you have to wait.
I held back

Wait
is such an excruciating moment
You couldn’t do anything
But hanging onto hope
Which will bring you
Some light

Enlightened I am
I consider myself
But hunger for Love
(I supposed)
Waited for the past 3 years
And 4 more years ahead are really
going to rip me off
Shall I continue?
Shall I keep on walking the path?
Chasing the “pavement”?
This is no longer a question.
“I’ve no choice,”
I rather do not want any other choice
I don’t want
I don’t want
Losing her will make me a coward again
Losing her will make me even crazier
Run or Row the boat?
She cracked the code?
We both knew the code
Without need to decipher it
Show me your answer through your eyes.

Why do I like to wander around the same place?
I just have no idea
A way to abandon the questions
A way to clear my mind
Is to absorb them as part of your body, mind and soul
“A good question has already given you half of the answer”
Is it that my question is not good enough?
Or is it that I’m not supposed to ask it?

Honestly, the purpose for me to walk back into my former school as a teacher was not entirely to earn pocket money (it’s only RM35 per day!?).
For how far did I come?
For how far do I want to strike?
My deep heart urges,
All that I have has to be delivered,
All that I know I need to pass on,
For them to realize
To wake up
To feel
The corruption we’re facing
The danger we’re encountering
The world we’re really in
When a lesson is no longer revolving around the study
How many can bear with it
How many are willing to open up their heart
and their eyes;
How many are willing to accept and then break the law of it?

I’ve successfully done my very first step
Now it’s their turn
To look into the fun of learning
To look into the life they’ve searching for
To look into their dreams
At least I’ve put my effort in it
and more importantly,
They have the same feeling like me
They have realized it
Realized the truth
And searching for more and deeper of it

I’m back
To the old school of mine

I’m back
With a sense of pride

I’m back
With nice,
Tidy,
Handsome,
Formal suits

I’m back
And I could feel the welcoming breeze
Soothing every inch of my skin.

I walk past the students
They greet me
Now I could sense the
Pride,
Authority,
Power
Respect
Being a teacher.

I’m back.
But with a lot questions
That has been circling me all time
The answer I demand
It’s no mere 1+1=2
I savor it though
As it is the only process
The only way out
To lead me out of the darkness

I’m back
Why did I come back in the first place?

How many times I’ve tried to runaway?
How many times I’ve tried to walk off this grieving road?
There are doubts in my head.
There are feelings that I couldn’t suppress.
After so many years,
After so many beats of wave,
I just couldn’t.
I thought I’ve put it down.
The moment we made our first eye contact,
The moment we walk away from each other’s life.
Doubts circling around me,
Are we destined to be together?
Now we meet again,
Our eyes meet again,
My heart throbs again,
Unstoppable.
Uncontrollable.
Your graceful smile,
Winking at me.
With a single flick of cupid’s finger,
Things around just went stagnant,
Stop with sudden death of my heart.
We are locked on each other again,
Asking if LOVE is back
For us...