Tears rolling down her cheek.

A letter to PeiShi,

I know that it is tough and hard, for you to accept the death of your mom. You did not come already for few days in a row. I could see that you are digging yourself into the soil, trying to bury your life and your spirit alive. You thought you are strong. You act like nothing had happened, but actually you are hiding away your grief, trying to build a strong fortress against the sorrow within. You might say that I’m not in your shoes. But there is something I would like to let you know, that WE are walking towards the future. WE are going to be alongside with you. I’m not objecting you to look back into your wonderful memories, but at least let sadness recede as we proceed. Let the time do its job. What your mom would want to see is you and your sister and brother and dad, of course, to continue living happily and truthfully, even in the days without her. The days ahead, you would have more responsibility; you are the eldest, and now the woman behind your dad, the supporter of this family. I bet it’s your mom’s wish to see you in all success. And you shall wait happily until the day she comes forward to fetch you with proud smile.

Today driving test. Waited for a long time. Passed my on-the-road which the tester was so harsh and kept nagging around while I dove. He even helped me to control the steering as if I dunno how to drive. Arghh.. pass mainly because I paid under-table. Then the hiking slope part, I tried twice. First over-shot. Second was just nice on the yellow line. Phew.. I failed my parking test. I’ve got my car into the parking lot. When I reversed to drive out to the third section, the butt of the car touched only a little the stick. The officer quickly asked me to get out of the car and leave. Arghh..Fuck it. Never felt so embarrassed. If only I didn’t reverse so much. If only I got a better car. If only I wore a more comfortable clothes. If only the officer was kind enough to let me continue. If only my instructor was not so high-hoped me. If only I wasn’t nervous. Arghh.. I FAILED!! Arghh… 150+ to be paid for the next test. No point blaming now. I could only say it was my fault for being so proud and din pay concentration. No more pride. Be humble. You can do it!!

Balik kampong today. Happy to meet all relatives. Came back for my grandma who has been suffering from leg swollen for a few months and quiet for all this while until we knew it from her neighbour.

Plucked a lot of coconuts today. Practiced hacking coconut in order to get its relieve-thirsty milk and yummy flesh. Love it!!

A kitten. White fur-not thick, with a few tiny brown-color spots on its neck. It looked dirty. Eyes narrowed as though it had just woke up from dream. Big reddish nose. Nostrils were so small, only be spotted when it inhaled. Hiding at a corner of a restaurant. It looked weak. Where is its Mom? Its front paws hid its face beneath. It’s weeping. Sorrow filled its air. Water splashed on it. It was frightened. Mischievous kid flung a kick to it. It meow-ed off with regret. Daddy’s girl screamed as she saw such ugly creature which then it got shoo-ed away by her dad with a stool. It has no choice but to leave with wet body, trembling.

A waiter. In an old restaurant. Spectacled. 30+ yr old. He is like normal man. But one of his hands is partly disabled. He has difficulty to bend his arm. His fingers are so small and crooked. They couldn’t move even an inch. They are rigid in their own sockets. But he managed to hold a small note book in that hand and the other copied down orders. He shouted at the bar for drinks. No, he shrieked. Like apple core had choked his throat.

An old Indian lady. Wearing sari. Walking at the road side. Limping. Having difficulty to lift her right leg. Sweating even though the weather was cold. Couldn’t stand the pain anymore. She slowly sat on her pathway. She lifted that leg to a more comfortable position. She was gasping. Both her hands massaging the right leg. It’s swollen. Red rashes all over it.

There are a lot of unlucky people around us. I ounce thought I’m the one and only unlucky creature in this world. I’ve failed my parents’ wishes. I failed all the scholarships I applied. I though with my magnificent result, I could easily get into famous colleges and universities. I was so naïve. Out there, thousands and hundreds of geniuses are too applying for these colleges. My ‘magnificent’ has become the ‘poorest’ compared to them. That’s why I failed all them. I thought I’m the best. I’ve got good result. A few 100% in my AddMaths. That makes me prouder. I started insulting those weaker. That was not me. Arghh.. until I see these scenes. I realize everyone has his/her own disability. And we should accept it and make use of it. God has wanted me to pursue F6 by failing all my applications. I dunno how to play basketball and football, but I play piano well. I love books and music, but all my friends favor in games, sports, and TV. I’m a failure in love and romance. However I’m willing to contribute myself and distribute my properties to the country and society. I want to be myself again-adapting to all my disabilities and most importantly, be humble.

Today’s my mom’s birthday. Happy birthday, Mommy!!