Authentic Hours of Life

2011-12-13T14:30:00.000-08:00

So what's the plan now?
So what's the deal now?
Should you or shouldn't you?

I'm a doctor,
That's what I am

I'm a writer,
That's what I am

I'm a singer,
That's what I am

Sometimes, you just need somebody to tell you that you can

Life is about timing, opportunity and choices.

2011-12-13T14:25:00.000-08:00

Travelling is fun, especially when you meet total random strangers who tell you their stories.

One of them is the cash machine security guard whom I met outside a pashmina shop while the girls went in for bargain battle again. He is a Nepalese who used to work in Malaysia 3 years ago. He told me he worked in JB at a hardware manufacturing company. His Malay is surprisingly fluent, for, he explained, he dated an Indonesian before. He too had a Vietnamese girlfriend keeping him accompany all those 5 long years. Owh wait, I thought Nepalese get married early, is he having an affair out there? "Buddy, don't spread this out, I daren't tell my wife about their existence." So I was right, the Indonesian and Vietnamese ladies were his mistress overseas. "You sure are one big international playboy, my friend," We laughed. "My wife has always been suspicious of the mysterious night calls I received. But she found out nothing about them. I wouldn't be here talking to you if she has."

I guess that's the fun of travelling, meeting random people and listening to their secret of life which even their closest one doesn't even know of.

Ah, what an honour to have such a random street friend, and, of course, to have also seen his little mischievous cat in the bag.

2011-09-10T14:32:00.001-07:00

It's the time of the year again.
When you look out from the window, you will find that big pearly moon.
While everyone else is enjoying their mid-autumn with beloved family,
I am here alone again, with tonnes of work at hand, millions of submission pending.

I turned on my old tiny phone. The one that I have used for years, tiny, weightless, filled with dust within the screens.

Having it charged for a few hours, it's back on life again. Out of boredom, I start browsing through the messages I received. It's mostly job-related messages at first, then I found them. The messages my best friends, students, teachers sent me. Such reminiscence, pretty amazing how I have kept them till now. All the wishes before I flew overseas, two years ago. And it's bizarre 9 out of 10 messages asked me not to study too hard. Well, am I one hardcore geek to them? Owh well, maybe that’s what I was. Or maybe I still am.

Few more hours, I'll be leaving all these bullshits and head home, finally. Even though it's just going to be a week, I will still cherish the moment. Make sure that I appreciate each and every second with my family, friends, and, of course, food! Home, o' sweet home. That's all I have in my mind at the moment.

2011-07-24T09:34:00.000-07:00

It would be a lazy weekend mid noon.

I would be dragged out of my comfortable bed, out of my sweet little Sunday dream. The next thing you know, I would be sitting beside wood planks of my size at the back of the old Saga. The sweet scent of the planks, blending with the dried sweaty odor in the car, I would breath in. I would be laying on the hard cushion facing the fierce Malaysian sun shining down through the windscreen on my youthful pimpled face. On the both sides of ears, Sunday Cantonese hits would blast through the speakers. And yes, their (most of the time) melancholic songs singing and babbling on the past and withering love would send me back to sleep. While dad swiftly changing the worn out gear, roaring the aging car onto driveway, heading into the city center, meeting god-knows-why-they-are-so-filthy-rich customers.

Drown in the saddening pop Cantos, I would, at the back, be respiring the sweat stink mixed with woody aroma, enjoying the sunbathing under the uncoated windshield while KL hot air blowing my hair, waiting for my lazy Sunday to be over.

Two years away from home, those nostalgic Sundays with emotional Eason Chan's never came. Not anymore I guess.

2010-08-29T10:43:00.000-07:00

I've been here before
Sat under the grey grey light.
Wondering if I'll die
Of the grey grey life.

I've been here before
Floored the pedal hard
on the grey grey road
Screaming out loud
What seems to sound
Like a grey grey song.

I've been here before
Couching on the stairs
Under the grey grey roof
Watching them passes by
Followed the grey grey shadows

And I ram into the wall again
Had I gone that wild again?
And I hold breath again
Had I got drown again?

I'm crawling back home again
fishing the same old key again
chucking the muddy boots again

All alone tonight
I stay up all night
All that I write about
is the grey grey time.

2010-08-22T19:33:00.000-07:00

Have you ever travelled far just to meet an awesome singer? Sitting in the middle of all audience, you stand out with your mata sepet and ah beng hairstyle. However the moment she holds her guitar, and starts cracking her voice with the melody , you know that the awkwardness exists no more. You wouldn't care if she's a Malay, if she's wearing tudung and if you're the odd Cina fan of hers. Music binds us all, deeply within.

Have you ever followed blindly just to cheer up one of your boring Sundays? Standing among a school of small cute Indian kids, you blow the balloons on your hand, stick your hands into the freaking icy water together with them who have just challenged you or rub your ass against theirs doing some funny jokes. You are tall, way taller than anyone of these primary-schooled kids. They speak Tamil to you, expecting you to give out the lollipops clutched tightly in your hands, you shrug, scratching head. Looking at each other, bunch of you laugh your asses off without any reason. Laughter binds us all, deeply within.

Have you ever walked alone in the middle of nowhere, looking for the Hindu temple that you can barely remember found on the Google Map? Walking into the hall, you realize you're the only yellow-skin. Even though the light has dimmed down when you find yourself a seat, your skin glows in darkness among all. But no one really finds you odd, instead, accepting you as a part of the family, watching the member of their family dancing the stories of their Gods and Goddesses. The jingling of dancer's accessories and non-stop thumping of the feet on the floor wake you up from your same old conservative Cina dream, blinking at the beauty of the dance that praises the respect towards Gods. Dance binds us all, deeply within.

And here I'm back, claiming myself a truly Malaysian, exploring the identity of us all, savouring it like no one does. No one could understand why, neither do I. Perhaps, love is what we claim it is.

*Hari Malaysia is coming. Am working on something awesome for her celebration. Can't tell you what yet. But it's gonna be something non-political at all! X)

2010-06-02T15:53:00.000-07:00

你知道每个星期日的早上，收音机总是播放着那80年代的歌曲。陈百强，张国荣等的经典歌曲。

昏昏睡睡中，早晨的阳光把你叫醒，拉你到房门前。
在那百听不厌的怀旧歌声下，妈妈哼着歌，边烫着你的校服。你站在门前看着她的背影，朦朦胧胧，却好熟悉。

好怀念。

那破旧的收音机，那过时的音律，在那耀眼的阳光，妈妈哼着当年与老爸的故事，点点滴滴都述说在那赤裸裸的歌声中。

妈，好想跟你说，每个星期天早晨的你，真的很漂亮。

妈，生日快乐。

Tic Tac

2010-05-12T15:17:00.000-07:00

I've got a lie
in my pocket.

I've got a life
in my suitcase.

Throw me into the deep blue sea.
I'll swim
Swim till I don't see land
Swim to the lamp that waves at me.

Put me on a big jumbo bike,
I'll paddle
with both my arms spread wide open
against the direction of flux.
Guess what're my chances of getting rammed.

Give me some time,
I'll buy you a cup of coffee
from the café across the street
run by a lovely Chinese Malaysian couple.

I have a lie in my life.
I have a life in my lie.
Both in my pocket and my suitcase.

And I'm ready to fly
away from the life
that I'm standing fine.

I lie to live.
I live to lie.
But will never cross the line
of pride.

Dream, dream.

2010-04-26T12:37:00.000-07:00

Do you have a dream?
...
Did you ever have a dream?
...

As far as I remember, I have dreams. No, better put, I HAD dreams.

I just realized that I'm lost.
It's not me that's operating my body anymore. My soul? Where has it gone to? I haven't had a clue.
It's been a while since my soul stayed intact with my body, synchronizing my efforts.

Yes, it's been a while.

Is it because I've achieved one of my greatest dreams? That my soul saw no reason to stay put with my body, that it had decided to wander outside, looking for its new mate.
Is it because the harsh ambient pressure that crushed my dreams so hard that they're now gone? What they left me with is just an empty opened jar.
Or is this part of the growing process where you've gotta abandon all your dreams before you step onto the so-called adult stage? The reality welcome your body, not your soul that carries the lollipops in the jar.

Dream, dream. I'd rather give up my youth to look for you, instead of bowing to the Mr. Reality who wants to sell away my body in London.
Dream, dream. We both promised to save the world together, to infiltrate the system, to f*ck around with the authorities. But how can I do these without you?
Dream, dream. I still have faith in you, even though I have got no idea what faith is. I just know that if you're around, my life will be sunnier, no matter how harsh it is.
Dream, dream. Your leaving is contagious. When you're gone, you had my student chosen the course she is not interested in. When you're gone, my friend's future is bleak as lust came over to him and broke his virginity.
Dream, dream. I don't want to be sucked into this black hole of cruelty.

Where are you when I need you to throw me a rescue?

I once remember you told me not to be a dream chaser, but a dream catcher, like Ash not Team Rocket. I promise one day, I'll catch you with all the Pokemons I have in hand, before we can fight together again. Period.

Love,
Gotta-catch-em-all-again. =)

Random Awesome

2010-04-11T19:18:00.000-07:00

It was 11'C,
Sunshine greeted the day
Down to Portobello Market I went,
Bought a plant and two shirts without a convincing reason.
That was something random,
That has turned to something awesome.

It was 12'C,
Of banana butterscotch crepes
And freshly-milked hot milk,
Wonderfully healthy breakfast that was.
That was something random,
That has turned to something awesome.

It was 13'C,
With laughter and teases,
I told her how I used to like her
Long time ago.
That was something random,
That has turned to something awesome.

It was 14'C,
Only hoodies and Hawaiian shorts
And clip-on sunglasses,
Walked through that awfully crowded Hyde Park.
That was something random,
That has turned to something awesome.

It was 15'C,
Filled up and sent the application form
For the volunteering programme
Under the turtle conservation project.
That was something random,
That has turned to something awesome.

It was 16'C,
Solved dozens of Math questions,
Derived Cramer's rule,
Discovered the good use of Matrices
To solve Pauli's spin in quantum mechanics.
That was something random,
That has turned to something awesome.

When awesomeness are random,
When randomness are awesome,
You know that spring is already here.

P/S: Some of my friends have been complaining that my blog is a little bit too emotional. Well, I just can't help it. There are times you need to spit out all your unhappiness, there are times you need to tell somebody about your pain without telling them verbally, there are times you need to try and make yourself happy by eliminating all negative feelings. =)

Mannequin (Not Kate Perry's version, but it sings on the point of view of mannequin himself)

2010-04-01T19:20:00.000-07:00

How do I get closer to you?
Whenever you walked pass me,
Your hotness had
My vision gone blurry.

I can't bear the hot flushes
Whenever you complaint my face
Was all fake blushes
I just knew that I've got crushes
With you and your brushes

'cause I'm not a man,
But I'm just a mannequin,
I wish that I could tell you
That my love is real
But my mouth got sealed.

What is this feeling of me?
Am I not me anymore?

I dreamt about you all night
Is my emotion still alright?
But I've got nothing to hide
'cause I'm always ready for you to ride

I wish I could grab
You and runaway
Away from your pestering manager
Away from your pity wages

'cause I'm not a man,
But I'm just a mannequin,
I wish that I could tell you
That my love is real
But my mouth got sealed.

I know that I've got only expire warranty
And a mountain of broken limbs
With me has no guarantee
You can only have breakfast with tea.

I don't want to be just a toy
God, can you make me a real real boy
To protect the gorgeous I truly love

I keep praying until the day she dies
And I still ain't a man.

2010-02-14T19:23:00.000-08:00

Everything around turns muted
The moment you tell me the truth
I can hear my aortal organ
Free-falls then shatters
Like balloon filled with water splashes to the floor.

That afternoon
On the green spongy lawn
Where picnic mat was laid
I brought you your favorite sandwiches
And wine
I got my love speech memorized
I waited to play
For you
But you never came.

That night
I got the flowers
That you once said you liked
I had our conversation planed
Every words and sweet praises
Hoping you'll appear
At the front door of cinema
With the ticket clutched in hand
But you never came.

I waited all the while
You never came.

2010-01-17T14:45:00.000-08:00

Today. Today. And today. I can clearly recall what happened on this very day last year. Another important person left my life, without telling me. I clearly remember that evening, the phone rang. It's from hometown. From mom's facial expression, I could tell something had happened. Something nasty. We rushed beck. My heart couldn’t stop beating. Could this be true? Or it wasjust another prank of cousins? On the high-speed roadway, only sirens of ambulances that passed by broke the silence in the car. No one spoke. Of nothing, but wait and pray.

I saw him lying on the armchair, motionless. His face covered. Sobs and weeps filled the atmosphere. I held his hands. Gently. Rest in peace, Ah Gong.

His rough wrinkled hands had been shaking when he gulped the water I poured. My heart ached, every time I saw him in such agony. I couldn't help but to try my best to accompany him whenever I've got time. At nights, I could hear him crying in bed. I knew the pain he had been suffering. But all I could was to sit beside him, hold his hands. At least, I thought, my warmth at those cold, torturing nights could cease his trembling.

It's been a year now. Things change so fast, Ah Gong. A year ago. I was the boy sitting next to you, telling you all the big dreams I held. A year after, I'm here, in London, faraway from home, faraway from you, faraway from grandma, to make my dreams come true, to make our family proud. But why? Why have you gone so early? You could have watched me took off. You could take care of ill grandma now. You could have finished off your Japanese era war story. I miss you, grandpa. How are you, in Heaven?

2010-01-11T00:46:00.000-08:00

"This is university, not a pressure cooker." This is quoted from a Bollywood movie I watched recently. The three idiots in the movie has made my evenings rather emotional. They have brought me back to the days before I came here, to London, to this big University where you are so tiny little one and even insignificant as well. It's rather weird to see most of my course mates did not choose this course in the first place. They were offered by the department of materials, after being rejected by their course of preference. I'm shocked to see this.

You may have realized that my dull plain dry and tasteless way of writing is back. I've lost all my words, the ability to express my feelings in English. Where has it gone? Has photon banged into my head, and all the ideas and thoughts got excited to the atmosphere and vanished? Has my brain, in order to possess much lower Gibbs free energy, decided to become more diluted without me knowing? What had happened to me? The ability to think deep isn't within me, anymore. Now, I shut my eyes so tight, as though I'm Hiro Nakamura, trying to squeeze something out of my brain, even a tiny little fibrous mycelia strands of thought I wouldn't mind.

I had an awesome Christmas dinner, unexpected white New Year and a wonderful Birthday celebration over here. These are the days where I really enjoyed much, with bunch of friends. But as the sing-along songs we sung faded out, the fragrant smell of the curry died away, white fluffy snows on my head melted, all the laughter were carried home with everyone else, and when I'm back in my silent, dark attic room. Lots of thoughts ran in my head. Emotional moments were savored, accompanied by the beautiful sunset right outside my window.

2009-12-04T00:45:00.000-08:00

I'm sorry for such long hiatus. It has been months since the last post. Have to keep you guys updated, ain't I?

1. I've been involved with Malaysian Society quite often. I'm now in lion dance team. Have to crawl up early every Saturday morning for practice. I'm the Lion's head. And I kept on changing my back, and I wonder why. People just can't be more consistent and disciplined. I've practicing hard for some stunts. Not easy I can say especially when you have to practice with that frigging heavy lion's head. But I just love it! At least I'm doing some exercise and I sweat a lot. And I'm doing things that normal folks can't do. The fact that when you really get the stunt correct and win the applause from your seniors is really thrilling. There will definitely be a lot of performance during Chinese New Year, and I'm so gonna be a part of the Lion Dance Performing Team. (Even the "Mainland" Chinese Society doesn't have their own Lion Dance team, how sad it is =X )
2. Besides Lion Dance, I too join the Mnite, which is, according to seniors, the most significant event in MSoc. I auditioned for acting, but to no avail. But the best thing is I get to take part in the opening dance, and I volunteered to do the ballroom dance. I'm just so fortunate to have a gorgeous partner, May Ling. Spinning, posture, steps, gesture, expression and most importantly the bonding between two are the parts that I savor in the dance. There are other dance coming up, and I'm doing one really CREEPY~~ dance, which is so sorrowful, expressive, soulful and …creepy! Haha. Well, "to get out of your comfort zone" and "don't worry you will get to wear mask on stage and people won't be able to tell who you are" are really the mantra Senior kept mumbling about during the practice. Hah! I didn't care much and just showed my gay-ous part deep down. All spilt in front of my friends, how embarrassing but yet fun!! LoL
3. I haven't for much chance to roam around London. I'm always stuck with my Lab Report during weekends. Sob.. T.T Studying in Imperial is so much fun, enjoying but stressful at the same time. You get to learn a lot of applicable knowledge, and they really expose you to the industrial world outside. I'm going on a visit to Nuclear Reactor next week. Even though I'm just 1st year, but my personal tutor get us to be part of the nuclear world by allowing us to attend Nuclear lectures which is supposed to aim for Year 3 and 4 Students.

Since the day I last-posted, I really feel better and start getting used to the loner life I have. I start making a lot more friends, making good buddies from our hall, mix well with my course mates and out going with some other people I met up randomly. Have wonderful plans but lousy execution. And here comes Christmas, the period that we all can take a deep breath. The holidays I've longed for! Alps, France here I come!!

What a Sorrowful Night! T.T

2009-10-13T12:55:00.000-07:00

I couldn't believe I would cry on the phone today. Mom called this evening.

The moment I heard her voice through the cell phone, uncontrollably I broke into tears.

I wanted to tell her how much I miss her and Dad.
I wanted to tell her how much I miss the hot weather in Malaysia.
I wanted to tell her how much I miss her cooking. This is the first time I don't get to see my family for so many days.

She noticed that I was crying. She sounded confused too, keep on consoling me. I looked terribly ugly weeping in middle of Hyde Park. Perhaps some of the pedestrians have seen me. It's awfully embarrassing.

But I really miss my family much. I love them really much. I terribly want to hug them now.
I wish I could fly home immediately. But this is my choice after all. And I shan't give up half way. (Not even half way through!!)

Now I finally understand how did Chin Hau feel being away from family. I'm now experiencing the same ache in heart and torture in mental.

Hugs and warm consolation that's all I need from somebody out there, anyone will do.

Strength shall I obtain.
Courage shall I build from within.
There's nothing that can stop me. (You know that!)
Godspeed!

*P/S: I love you, Mom and Dad!
I love you, Sis and Bro!
Thanks for buying the discounted Dan Brown's copy for me! XD

London Life

2009-10-11T12:52:00.000-07:00

It’s been two weeks I've touched down in London.
Except the food and weather,
I'm quite adapted to the environment here.
The Hall mates are nice.
The friends that I made are all friendly.
Peter and gang are just good pals to hang around with.
We've been spending quite some nights to cook dinner together.
(Most of the time, I'm quite embarrassed for not being able to cook. So, I offer myself to do the dishes. XD)
I've got great neighbors too. They're from different countries (Qatar, UK, Hong Kong, Singapore, France).
We mix together well.

Food here are either too cold or too "hot" (Chinese medicine defined) . I've got sore throat these few days, which leads to dry coughing now. Luckily, mom has packed me some medicine. Might be a little too early to use them, but I can't afford to get even sicker since there are lots of activities lining up for me in the weeks coming.

It's autumn now. Even though it's just starting of the season. The weather is terrible. The temperature is not that low, but it's the wind that bites you down to the bones. What's more, the unpredictable and unexpected drizzle is really irritating, which it can make you shake uncontrollably in the street. These two factors have got me into serious coughing at nights.

I'm kinda hate myself for applying Pembridge Hall. It's damn far from campus. And I'm almost late for the lectures last 2 days. Walking is quite tiring, undeniably. The tiredness has driven me to fall asleep fast in the lectures. I tried to concentrate hard, sitting straight, drinking water and chatting with friend couldn't help at all stopping me from dozing off. As solution to this problem (as what we the Engineers always look for), I've tried to look for bikes in Oxford St., but in vain.

I've made a lot of good friends here. I've a lot of fun here. However, I really hope that I can adapt to this life faster. I need to gain back the courage and stamina I once had for this brand new chapter of my life. Godspeed!!

Last Sorrowful Night in M'sia.

2009-09-29T18:42:00.000-07:00

Here I am, crouching by the window.
The stars above are winking at me happily.
But why ain't I felling exhilarated?

When wait finally comes to an end,
Thing that you've been anticipating,
Lies just a few steps before you.
But you hold back,
Fearing that it is just a dream.
Fearing that it is going to change the way you are.
Fearing that it comes too fast, accompanied with muddy traps.

The pearly white moon
Seems to know me well.
"Beauty lies beyond the eyes of its truthful beholder"
Caffeine never stops pumping adrenaline
My brain is pulsing fast
My heart is beating hard
Sorrow and excitement
Swirling within the veins
In this gloomy night

Greetings and wishes from all
Do nothing to cease the grief.
I recall an old-time story
Of a boy who tries to steal cookies from a jar.
With hand full, he couldn't pull his hand out of the jar.
If he let go, he gets no cookies,
And all his efforts sneaking into the kitchen will be in vain.
Scarification you have to make, to get your cookies.
I'm determined to pursue this bitter dream.
Turning my back to the loved ones,
To this lovely land, and the finger-licking-good foods.
There will be no U-turn.
No matter how misty the path ahead,
I'll keep on galloping, galloping, galloping.

馬公民權價值受肯定~

2009-09-17T08:56:00.000-07:00

This is a touching moment.

The joy that aroused when they have their nationality in hands.
Some waited for 10 years.
Some waited since this nation was broken free.

They're so keen of being a part of us. They're eager to join our forces, to build this country, to live this big family.

Tears of joy unwittingly rolling down their cheeks, knowing that all their effort, after all, is worth the price.

They are no longer them, they are one of us now.

Irrespective of skin colour, gender, religion and culture, we are all under one roof, we are all 1Malaysia.

Welcome, to our big family.

*You can take Malaysians out of Malaysia,
but you can't take Malaysia out of Malaysians.*

Godspeed!!

2009-09-06T09:20:00.000-07:00

On this green land,
It continues galloping
Having no knowledge of
Which day is it now
How many valleys it has stopped by.

Its tireless limbs,
Working hard on mileage.
Worry for distorted iron shoe is neglected.
With the hope that
They can make it to their destination in time.

All parts of its body
Share the same dream
Away from home.
Broken free from nonstop whipping and heavy cart.
It is looking for its free land
Unafraid of thorns along the journey
Unafraid of beasts haunting its nap
It continues galloping
With the flame of dream
With the undying courage
In it.

Godspeed!!

I ♥ M'sia!!

2009-08-31T08:48:00.000-07:00

At first, it's funny to read silly political jokes that are posted in the front page of newspaper everyday. But, as time goes by, these same-old-story jokes that never seem to stop annoy me. I've sometimes lost faith in their leadership. Of course, that doesn't mean I've stopped loving Malaysia, my lovely home country. In fact, it's the other way round. As the fact that I'm going to study abroad is dominating my life now, my passion and love for her, somehow, have grown stronger and stronger.

After all the encounters in BTN camp, I've started changing. Things aren't as simple as what I used to think. They seemed much complicated when you're in different shoes. You'll see how different people view something, some issues from their point of view. It is all affected by the "Environment" that they've been living, by the "Culture" that they've adopted since young, and by the "Perception" that they've been adoring. What's the whole point then, when we all have this Vision 2020, when we all are introduced this 1Malaysia concept? Are we going to change? Are we going to abandon the norms and be the so-called odds?

It all depends on what's inside you. And, at this moment, faith will tell.

On this 52nd National Day, I've got a new start. I no longer see myself as a Chinese, nor am I going to admit a Malay, not even an Indian. I call myself Malaysian, a truly Malaysian, proudly. The camp which seemed to have chipped patriotism from everyone, instead has sharpened and polished my loyalty towards this country. What have been implanted in me are the momentous scenes from the movie they played, (I've forgotten what's the title of the movie). Moment of how Kings and their people fighting for freedom, moment of establishment of strong bond between all races, moment when everyone regardless of skin color shouting "Merdeka!".

These are the moments I miss most. There are too, I believe, the memory Yasmin Ahmad cherishes. She is the Hero of us all. She is the Great One I adore. She speaks of what's in my mind. She portrays the picture in my head. She's always good at it. Being good at telling stories, being good at pulling the strings all around the ones involved, being good at delivering the reality and ideality. Harmony, peace, loving, caring, tolerance, respect and family. These are the things in us that she sees, oh no, saw.

Regrettably, she couldn’t celebrate this special day together with us. What she left for us is a not-even-five-minute Chocolate as blessing.

R.I.P Yasmin.

BTN? Hmm..

2009-08-25T09:18:00.000-07:00

Time frame: 17th-21st August 2009

I was forced to take part in the notorious BTN camp. Some of you might have heard of this government propaganda. I first heard of it from Chucky. Not much to comment about as it's all disappointment and frustration aroused from what they deliver. I was allocated at the camp in Ulu Sepri, Negeri Sembilan. Yeah, a place near my hometown. It's basically a nice, peaceful and bird-chirping-can-be-heard-every-morning place, IF AND ONLY IF the crappy talk and nonsense presentation are cut away. No matter how, I am still grateful for what they'd planned for us. It's not as aggressive as what has been told by Chucky, maybe because they have changed their module into the theme of '1Malaysia'. The experience in the camp is definitely an eye-opener to me. More importantly, the urge inside me to change myself and alter this system is pounding harder and harder. "Change we believe!"

'Stimulated by Rejection'

2009-07-24T09:22:00.000-07:00

I'm free-falling into this hole with unknown depth. 'Stimulated by rejection'. Laughing at my stupidity. Wondering what's been stimulated? Ah, it's the wound on my heart. Rejection has casted a stab into it, the throbbing hard and once healthy aortal organ. How many beers, how many Swiss chocolate, they couldn't intoxicate me. Not a bit. Kill me instead. Let it be fast and swift. Somebody, please. Sorrow keeps tossing me deeper into the hole. Sorrow compresses my lungs so hard, so hard that I'm suffocating at this singularity. Am I savouring it then? What are the chances of escaping it?

King's Crossroad?!

2009-07-21T09:19:00.000-07:00

And here I am
in front of crossroads.
All options lead to nowhere,
mystical, uncertain destination.

And here I am,
Reminded of how Laughing Gor
Used his 5 dollar coin
To help deciding his pick

And I'm here
Before the signboard
50-cent coin in hand I hold

The sky is blue,
The sun is no where to be seen,
Hidden behind the thick pearly white cloud,
The decent scent of freshly mowed field.

Three tosses
I say
Head to North, Tail to South.

First toss,
*pring*
The coin flips in the air,
Flicker of hope
Lies between the two faces.
It drops to the ground
There it lies
Head it is.

Second toss, head too. I'm feeling lucky?!
Third toss, head AGAIN!
Head North, that is.

I'm determined
Looking at the three heads I scored.
I do the Maths,
Probability if getting 3 heads in a row,
1/6=12.5%.
Lucky I am?
Or this is His choice for me?

Who cares?
Go for it, I say.

And so,
I got my ticket punched.
Get ready for my journey to the North.
Place of full mysteries.
Place of full lures.
Place of full rocks and vines.
Place of adventure.

So long to this place I call home.

2009-07-17T08:48:00.000-07:00

Spare me a day,
As I realised how mundane the world is.

Spare me a day,
As I realised how ugly truth is.

Spare me a day,
As I realised how much love that I've spanked away in this journey.

Shan't I use this special day
To make myself a nice breakfast?

Shan't I use this special day
To savour Mozart's and Beethoven's?

Shan't I use this special day
To tell you what's happening to me?

2009-06-16T19:45:00.002-07:00

And I love you so
The people ask me how
How I’ve lived till now
I tell them I don’t know

Counting Days with Fingers..

2009-06-13T19:45:00.000-07:00

Why?
Have you had good night sleep?
Everyone’s looking forward to it
Hanging onto hope
Wonderful dream
Away from reality
Away from life
For eternity
For temporary
Listen. The bedside desk
An empty wine bottle
An empty hot chocolate glass
Trace of lips still can be found
Scattered sleeping pills
He is still
rolling in his bed
Agony. Impatience. Bad-tempered.
He wishes if he is dead
Knock his wounded head onto the wall
Blood stain, splashes.
like fallen ketchup
Fainted. Dead. With big grin
“Thank you”
Last words recorded on his facsimile.

Wouldn’t it be better, if falling asleep naturally?
“No!”
“Wait is excruciating process.”
“I rather be dead”
That war in Iraq
haunted him every night.
No matter how many showers taken.
No matter how many pills swallowed.
IT just won’t budge.
IT just won’t leave.
He fought
For a good night sleep
For every soul he has sworn to save
For every kid who dreamt of peaceful home
For the end of that war
He fought well
but unworthy,
untruthful,
wasted.
They spitted on him
Blames did he not put on others.
Dreams did he all dream of.
Fight or Fly?
A good man’s soul
can never be buried away
His vision
His color-faded vision
Black and white
Only can he see
Love, passion, cheer
Would soak him well

One good news
could keep him livelier

One sweet dream
is the only thing that kept him alive
the only hope he can hang onto.

2009-06-10T19:41:00.000-07:00

Look into the sky
The light travels 8 minutes
To reach our eyes
The star blinking
Far away
From thousands and millions years ago
Spend me some days
Give me my dream
Take away all troughs and crests
Wait is excruciating

2009-06-06T19:34:00.000-07:00

There are so many things that I need to take care of.
UK’s offer, McGill’s offer, NUS acceptance, NTU acceptance, ANU acceptance, Perhentianh trip, ASEAN scholarship interview, Talk for the incoming lower sixers, tuitions, etc, etc, etc… I’m suffocating now. I have to submit my essay by Sunday. What am I going to write about the “Proudest Achievement” in my life? Hell, I have any great achievement? Somebody tell me. I’m not going to include my WONDERFUL results. That’s just ridiculous. I have to put in other things. Gosh, somebody save me.

I think I’ll just write about my Greenage Heroes. Here goes:

The proudest thing in my life. This topic has been haunting me for the past several months. This is because I don’t even know when I’m proud?

I’m sure that
All the flying colors results
All the certificate of achievements I’ve earned from various competitions
They have never been my proudest
I’ve always looking for
Wandering about how is I going to satisfy myself
Not with all the champions
But something else

This quest for pride deep inside my heart
Has persisted until I went to my pre-u program
During my senior high school
I was appointed as the Project Manager for an Environmentalism movement in the school.
The appointment was largely owed to my enthusiasm in environmental issues
All this while
I’m aware of the global warming effect has raised to red alert
If this deteriorating phenomenon is not to be put a halt to it
The world is going to doomed
However the awareness in me before this does not encourage me even a bit to do something
Until such appointment,
I look into the issue much seriously
I found that no matter what kind of activities
Competitions
They can’t really instill the green value in the students
No matter how many speeches done on every Thursday
We could still find food remnants in the recycle bin
Some even spit in it
The new recycle bins were even vandalized
All such happenings occur
Saddens us all

2009-05-30T19:43:00.000-07:00

Love
Is powerful enough
To substitute caffeine
Nothing more to keep me awake
in this late night.

Her grandma
My grandpa
Her worries
My future
Her friends
My buddies
Angels and Demons
And a lot more
I listened carefully to her
She too listened to my story
It seems stories of all these 3 years
Of us both
spilled out
Wanting each other to hear
Wanted each other to share

It has been long ago
I watched her in such close distance
Her beautiful eyes
Her laughter

That feeling brought us back to the past
Back to where we left each other
But now it’s just with a bettered me.

2009-05-29T23:59:00.000-07:00

The buttons of door budged
She opened the door
“Thank you for everything!”
I smiled back
There’s a second I wanted
I really wanted to grab her hand
I wanted to tell her
How much I love her?
Hey, you’ll be leaving Malaysia soon.
Don’t put her in the cage
And if you’re for real
you have to wait.
I held back

Wait
is such an excruciating moment
You couldn’t do anything
But hanging onto hope
Which will bring you
Some light

Enlightened I am
I consider myself
But hunger for Love
(I supposed)
Waited for the past 3 years
And 4 more years ahead are really
going to rip me off
Shall I continue?
Shall I keep on walking the path?
Chasing the “pavement”?
This is no longer a question.
“I’ve no choice,”
I rather do not want any other choice
I don’t want
I don’t want
Losing her will make me a coward again
Losing her will make me even crazier
Run or Row the boat?
She cracked the code?
We both knew the code
Without need to decipher it
Show me your answer through your eyes.

2009-04-16T19:37:00.000-07:00

Why do I like to wander around the same place?
I just have no idea
A way to abandon the questions
A way to clear my mind
Is to absorb them as part of your body, mind and soul
“A good question has already given you half of the answer”
Is it that my question is not good enough?
Or is it that I’m not supposed to ask it?

Honestly, the purpose for me to walk back into my former school as a teacher was not entirely to earn pocket money (it’s only RM35 per day!?).
For how far did I come?
For how far do I want to strike?
My deep heart urges,
All that I have has to be delivered,
All that I know I need to pass on,
For them to realize
To wake up
To feel
The corruption we’re facing
The danger we’re encountering
The world we’re really in
When a lesson is no longer revolving around the study
How many can bear with it
How many are willing to open up their heart
and their eyes;
How many are willing to accept and then break the law of it?

I’ve successfully done my very first step
Now it’s their turn
To look into the fun of learning
To look into the life they’ve searching for
To look into their dreams
At least I’ve put my effort in it
and more importantly,
They have the same feeling like me
They have realized it
Realized the truth
And searching for more and deeper of it

2009-03-16T19:36:00.000-07:00

I’m back
To the old school of mine

I’m back
With a sense of pride

I’m back
With nice,
Tidy,
Handsome,
Formal suits

I’m back
And I could feel the welcoming breeze
Soothing every inch of my skin.

I walk past the students
They greet me
Now I could sense the
Pride,
Authority,
Power
Respect
Being a teacher.

I’m back.
But with a lot questions
That has been circling me all time
The answer I demand
It’s no mere 1+1=2
I savor it though
As it is the only process
The only way out
To lead me out of the darkness

I’m back
Why did I come back in the first place?

2009-02-16T19:29:00.000-08:00

How many times I’ve tried to runaway?
How many times I’ve tried to walk off this grieving road?
There are doubts in my head.
There are feelings that I couldn’t suppress.
After so many years,
After so many beats of wave,
I just couldn’t.
I thought I’ve put it down.
The moment we made our first eye contact,
The moment we walk away from each other’s life.
Doubts circling around me,
Are we destined to be together?
Now we meet again,
Our eyes meet again,
My heart throbs again,
Unstoppable.
Uncontrollable.
Your graceful smile,
Winking at me.
With a single flick of cupid’s finger,
Things around just went stagnant,
Stop with sudden death of my heart.
We are locked on each other again,
Asking if LOVE is back
For us...

2008-12-31T10:28:00.000-08:00

Today is…TODAY!! Today is the final day, the last day for all of us to sit here, in uniform, on these anytime-could-break chairs and such ugly but familiar desks. Today is a day of excitement ,mixing with some..erm..i would say…sadness. Why?

From May 2007, we barely knew each other. Some I’ve seen before, some are total strangers to me. Until today, we became buddies. During this period of time, I’ve learnt a lot. I’ve enjoyed stuffs, stuffs that I could never imagine I would touch the whole life. Stuffs that inspires me a lot. Thank you. Thanks to you guys, for bringing me out of myself and my fully grey-clouded nerdy world (?!). To be frank, I enjoy things that we worked along. GH heroes, sales, ….bla..bla..bla…and finally..this coming-up trip.

Bonding between us, it’s what I’ve wanted all along, what I’ve never met before F6. The circle of trust, the bonding which we believe in each other, we worked hard without blaming, without quarrel, without suspicion for every project passed on to us. Even we had fight, we just laugh away the next day.

Well, being “chemistrily” obsessed (as I always do), I would like to compare our friendship, our circle to the carbon amorphous. Just like buckyball (LOLZ!!) which forms caging to have the electrons trapped. It’s the feeling of love, passionate and trust that lies beneath us, the buckyball, empowering the covalent bonding between carbon atoms!!

I’m lucky that I’ve chosen this path. A path that is always objected by some aunties and uncles. A path that brings me idealism, friendships, and of course makes me a better man ( Okay, maybe I’m still not there yet)

I apologize for being crappy sometimes to all of you, for being harsh to some of you (Puay Yong, Amelia, Wei Keong, Rachele, …..-the list goes on- ……I’m sorry but..you know..it’s easy to give an answer, but it’s the crucial yet difficult part to path the thinking process..), for being a bit too commentative (Jol Ern the fatty, Rachele the water tank, Angie’s liquid-highlighted specs…thanks to these people..for..helping me to release stress..Wakakaka..and thanks for not crying..but once Rachelle weep..OMG..not my fault, Kavi did it)

No matter how, I appreciate each and everyone of you for your kindness and everything, and for letting me be part of your…if you consider…life. Though, you guys are all pretty significant in my life (unlike ideal gas molecules..Wakaka). Every component in this new-me is composed of your spirit. I’m like a factory product, enjoyed the moulding process, waiting for my lovely future to fetch me. Don’t forget the vows and the promises.

Love, Chong.

2008-12-30T10:26:00.000-08:00

It has been a long time.
I have left this blog full of dust and ashes.
Here I'm back. With a sense of pride.
I'm ready to tell you all the things that happen in these two years and also my current situation.
Hwaiting!!

2007-07-16T19:58:00.000-07:00

Tears rolling down her cheek.

A letter to PeiShi,

I know that it is tough and hard, for you to accept the death of your mom. You did not come already for few days in a row. I could see that you are digging yourself into the soil, trying to bury your life and your spirit alive. You thought you are strong. You act like nothing had happened, but actually you are hiding away your grief, trying to build a strong fortress against the sorrow within. You might say that I’m not in your shoes. But there is something I would like to let you know, that WE are walking towards the future. WE are going to be alongside with you. I’m not objecting you to look back into your wonderful memories, but at least let sadness recede as we proceed. Let the time do its job. What your mom would want to see is you and your sister and brother and dad, of course, to continue living happily and truthfully, even in the days without her. The days ahead, you would have more responsibility; you are the eldest, and now the woman behind your dad, the supporter of this family. I bet it’s your mom’s wish to see you in all success. And you shall wait happily until the day she comes forward to fetch you with proud smile.

2007-06-04T19:54:00.000-07:00

Today driving test. Waited for a long time. Passed my on-the-road which the tester was so harsh and kept nagging around while I dove. He even helped me to control the steering as if I dunno how to drive. Arghh.. pass mainly because I paid under-table. Then the hiking slope part, I tried twice. First over-shot. Second was just nice on the yellow line. Phew.. I failed my parking test. I’ve got my car into the parking lot. When I reversed to drive out to the third section, the butt of the car touched only a little the stick. The officer quickly asked me to get out of the car and leave. Arghh..Fuck it. Never felt so embarrassed. If only I didn’t reverse so much. If only I got a better car. If only I wore a more comfortable clothes. If only the officer was kind enough to let me continue. If only my instructor was not so high-hoped me. If only I wasn’t nervous. Arghh.. I FAILED!! Arghh… 150+ to be paid for the next test. No point blaming now. I could only say it was my fault for being so proud and din pay concentration. No more pride. Be humble. You can do it!!

2007-06-03T19:54:00.000-07:00

Balik kampong today. Happy to meet all relatives. Came back for my grandma who has been suffering from leg swollen for a few months and quiet for all this while until we knew it from her neighbour.

Plucked a lot of coconuts today. Practiced hacking coconut in order to get its relieve-thirsty milk and yummy flesh. Love it!!

2007-06-01T23:00:00.000-07:00

A kitten. White fur-not thick, with a few tiny brown-color spots on its neck. It looked dirty. Eyes narrowed as though it had just woke up from dream. Big reddish nose. Nostrils were so small, only be spotted when it inhaled. Hiding at a corner of a restaurant. It looked weak. Where is its Mom? Its front paws hid its face beneath. It’s weeping. Sorrow filled its air. Water splashed on it. It was frightened. Mischievous kid flung a kick to it. It meow-ed off with regret. Daddy’s girl screamed as she saw such ugly creature which then it got shoo-ed away by her dad with a stool. It has no choice but to leave with wet body, trembling.

A waiter. In an old restaurant. Spectacled. 30+ yr old. He is like normal man. But one of his hands is partly disabled. He has difficulty to bend his arm. His fingers are so small and crooked. They couldn’t move even an inch. They are rigid in their own sockets. But he managed to hold a small note book in that hand and the other copied down orders. He shouted at the bar for drinks. No, he shrieked. Like apple core had choked his throat.

An old Indian lady. Wearing sari. Walking at the road side. Limping. Having difficulty to lift her right leg. Sweating even though the weather was cold. Couldn’t stand the pain anymore. She slowly sat on her pathway. She lifted that leg to a more comfortable position. She was gasping. Both her hands massaging the right leg. It’s swollen. Red rashes all over it.

There are a lot of unlucky people around us. I ounce thought I’m the one and only unlucky creature in this world. I’ve failed my parents’ wishes. I failed all the scholarships I applied. I though with my magnificent result, I could easily get into famous colleges and universities. I was so naïve. Out there, thousands and hundreds of geniuses are too applying for these colleges. My ‘magnificent’ has become the ‘poorest’ compared to them. That’s why I failed all them. I thought I’m the best. I’ve got good result. A few 100% in my AddMaths. That makes me prouder. I started insulting those weaker. That was not me. Arghh.. until I see these scenes. I realize everyone has his/her own disability. And we should accept it and make use of it. God has wanted me to pursue F6 by failing all my applications. I dunno how to play basketball and football, but I play piano well. I love books and music, but all my friends favor in games, sports, and TV. I’m a failure in love and romance. However I’m willing to contribute myself and distribute my properties to the country and society. I want to be myself again-adapting to all my disabilities and most importantly, be humble.

Today’s my mom’s birthday. Happy birthday, Mommy!!

2007-05-01T11:00:00.000-07:00

I dunno why.. Tonite is kinda long for me.. Tonite I miss her so much.. Shud I send her some msg? .. Nah, she's having exams these few weeks.. No good bothering.. Later.. These are all excuses.. I just won't admit myself a coward.. Tonite accompanied by musics.. I told bout my newly bought iPod that nite.. Not much talking done.. She is alwayz that cool.. keeping things from me.. She off9 then.. Upset.. I still have a lot of things to share with her.. Her sweet voice.. Her nice fragrance (still left on my tie..sniff..sniff..).. Her cute look ( I thought I met her today..But when i got close to 'her' ..It wasn't her.. a white-er version of her..LoL) .. I could never forget..Hush.. Remember the day we met..in a classroom.. the moment we start getting together.. But we hav never express our feelings to each other.. I was a coward..

The whole day spent in midvalley..I used to look around (and now I'm still..) for pretty girls.. But every girl I spot has a similar shadow or image of her beneath.. I just couldn't help it.. Like I alwayz shop for long-sleeves and my frens are annoyed with it already.. Sry bout that.. My type is always similar to her.. I noe my taste.. Kinda totally different from my other frenz.. Coz everyone is different and special.. So, guys stop laughing at my type...Grr..Never ever ever..

2007-04-18T17:35:00.000-07:00

My Girl and I.. I watched that movie recently.. by lovely actors Cha Tae-hyun & Song Hye Kyo ..so sad..so romantic..the designer of the poster has succeeded to grieve me..the sky behind..i feel like wanna cry whenever i look into this love bird..so pity are they.. they say everyone has their own destiny..my granpa destiny is my grandma..my father's destiny is my mom..and i want my destiny to be YOU..pls..don't die..Live for the sake of me..we can make our world full of colors...she died then in their hugging..before he could finish his words..

That's how karma woorks..
You think everything is ser in your favour..
but life puts many curves in your path..
One small twist can bring an entirely different fate..

2007-04-13T23:55:00.000-07:00

A day full of tireness. I’ve done nothing today in the office but I feel so sad so tired. Time seems crawling too slowly. Whole day raining. I recalled years back later. A question thrown by my blind relative. ‘How does rain fall? In thread? In drops?’ That question freezed me for a moment. ‘In drops.’ I said. She then kept quiet. Non-stop heavy rain today looks like I’ve to change my answer back then. Standing still in the middle of the street. I observed. No, I’m observing. Everything that passes by. Everything that caught my attention. Cars, busses, crowds, group of teen (wearing lala), love birda playing around with their fingers…. I observe everyone of them. But do they see me? They know my existence? Wind blowing.. I’m savouring my bread roll. Nobody seems notice me-alonely (cute) guy. They are in hurry with their business..or I shall say their life. Actually, why are we living? Why do we deserve to be a human? Why not plant, animal or insect? The answer is quite fascinating..or I shall say cruel. Life revolves around money. Today, money is everything. If you have everything but money, you are dead in this materialistic world. If you have money but others, you are the successor. Money is everything.....

Yuki No Hana..

2007-04-13T20:33:00.000-07:00

雪花《雪の华》

曲名：雪の华歌手：中岛美嘉

日文歌词：中文翻译：
のびた人阴(かげ)を舗道に并べ
不断延伸的影子在红砖道上并列
夕暗のなかをキミと歩いてる
在深夜里与你并肩走着
手を繋いでいつまでもずっと
永远紧紧牵着手只要能在你身旁
そばにいれたなら泣けちゃうくらい
我就感动得快要哭了

风が冷たくなって
风儿变得寒冷
冬の匂いがした
有了冬天的味道
そろそろこの街に
这条街也即将到了
キミと近付ける季节がくる
能和你接近的季节来临

今年最初の雪の华を
今年最初的雪花
二人寄り添って
向我俩靠近
眺めているこの时间(とき)に
在眺望着的这个时间里
シアワセがあふれだす
充满了幸福的喜悦
甘えとか弱さじゃない
没有撒娇和脆弱
ただ、キミを爱してる
只是爱你
心からそう思った
打从心底爱你

キミがいるとどんなことでも
只要有你在无论发生什么
乗りきれるような気持ちになってる
都会有可以克服的心情
こんな日々がいつまでもきっと
我祈祷着这样的日子
続いてくことを祈っているよ
一定会直到永远

风が窓を揺らした
风儿吹的窗摇
夜は揺り起こして
把夜晚摇醒
どんな悲しいことも
无论多么悲伤的事情
ボクが笑颜へと変えてあげる
我用笑容为你改变

舞い落ちてきた雪の华が
雪花飞舞飘落
窓の外ずっと
在窗外一定
降りやむことを知らずに
不知何时雪已停
ボクらの街を染める
把我们的街道染色
谁かのために何かを
想为某人做些什么事
したいと思えるのが
原来这就是爱
爱ということを知った

もし、キミを失ったとしたなら
如果失去了你
星になってキミを照らすだろう
我会变成星星照亮你
笑颜も涙に濡れてる夜も
微笑或被泪水沾湿的夜晚
いつもいつでもそばにいるよ
我会永远在你身旁

今年最初の雪の华を
今年最初的雪花
二人寄り添って
向我俩靠近
眺めているこの时间(とき)に
在眺望着的这个时间里
シアワセがあふれだす
充满了幸福的喜悦
甘えとか弱さじゃない
没有撒娇和脆弱
ただ、キミとずっと
只是想永远地
このまま一绪にいたい
就这么一直在一起
素直にそう思える
我真心地这么想

この街に降り积もってく
在这条街上堆积的
真っ白な雪の华
纯白雪花
二人の胸にそっと想い出を描くよ
悄悄地在我俩胸口画上回忆
これからもキミとずっと
从今而后也要永远和你在一起...

nobita kage wo hodou ni narabe yuuyami no naka wo kimi to aruiteru te wo tsunaide itsumademo zutto soba ni ireta nara nakechau kurai kaze ga tsumetaku natte fuyu no nioi ga shita sorosoro kono machi ni kimi to chikadzukeru kisetsu ga kuru * kotoshi, saisho no yuki no hana wo futari yorisotte nagamete iru kono toki ni shiawase ga afuredasu amae toka yowasa ja nai tada, kimi wo ai shiteru kokoro kara sou omotta kimi ga iru to donna koto demo norikireru you na kimochi ni natteru konna hibi ga itsumademo kitto tsudzuiteku koto wo inotte iru yo kaze ga mado wo yurashita yoru wa yuriokoshite donna kanashii koto mo boku ga egao e to kaete ageru maiochite kita yuki no hana ga mado no soto zutto furiyamu koto wo shirazu ni bokura no machi wo someru dareka no tame ni nanika wo shitai to omoeru no ga ai to iu koto wo shitta moshi, kimi wo shinatta to shita nara hoshi ni natte kimi wo terasu darou egao mo namida ni nureteru yoru mo itsumo itsu demo soba ni iru yo * repeat amae toka yowasa ja nai tada, kimi to zutto kono mama issho ni itai sunao ni sou omoeru kono machi ni furitsumotteku masshiro na yuki no hana futari no mune ni sotto omoide wo egaku yo kore kara mo kimi to zutto... I noe u r listening to me..i wanted to say this long time ago..charangheyo..aishiteru..now i noe y u insisted me to listen to the japan version..i shud hav known dat..i wan to say..sarangheyo..sarangheyo..sarangheyo...sarangheyo...

2007-04-13T20:20:00.000-07:00

Life.. what is the meaning of living in this world ? why are we born here as a human form? This is what I’ve been looking for a long time..i remember my childhood which is neither nice nor bad for me..there was once ..i watch a ghost movie ..feel so scared..cant sleep all nite..fear tat if I fall asleep,I ‘ll die..death ..wat’s tat ?it’s still an unknown today..where will we go after death? .. what’s d purpose of death? Death really scares me..His brag haunted me for few weeks..almost every nite..rite after dinner..i’ll ask my mum..`where willl we go after death?’ and `what r we after death?’ …I noe they dun even noe d ans..no point asking anymore..few nites spending wif my parents sleeping together..few years later..i found another question..wat’s d purpose of living ?spending few years in future to search for d answer is one of my ambition… I dun hav d opportunity to get involved in my religion..it’s a regret..bak to my skullife..i ‘ve ad stuck to the same schedule for almost 8 years..study,h/w,revision,n tuition..till last year..i ‘ve found there’s smth wrong wif my life..i noe it shud not b only exam n study..sth even more meaningful is waiting for me..so I started to put myself loose..start to noe new frenz..interact wif d form 4s..3s..2s..n now i met her..feel so much fresher..a life better than d previous this year I join pbsm with enthusiasm..no ponteng /truant.. pbsm my new family..a society we work together to achieve success..sweet memories start whirling in suddenly..then, another thing inspires me a lot is d novel by dan brown..Angels & Demons…science n religion should be in d same line..meaning they r supposed to b in d same body..not a ying-yang ..at the same time..i’ve found a new ques ..what is god? How can jesus n nabi communicate wif Him/Her?

2007-04-13T20:17:00.000-07:00

Music is the vehicle wherein humankind journeys...

2007-04-12T05:52:00.000-07:00

Her friend told me bout the break-up..but i didn't even noe they hav already started..two weeks she said..how come? Communication problem..Your phone spoilt? Shut that black joke..Sorry..You alright? I'm ok :P ..Izzit becoz of me? Jas told you everything..? Nop..she told me nth..No..not coz of u..communication prob..Silence..clock ticking..
I dunno shud i be happy or not.the rest of the day is pretty down..feeling guilty..feel like being fooled..that guy jas told me cried for the whole day..kinda pity him too..is she thinking that she is the boss..?? Manipulating in such way that now hurting ppl..Wad is she playing actually? I never now her..i dunno y i love her so much..Somebody pls pull me out from shrinking in this puddle water..

Huz..

2007-03-31T23:35:00.000-07:00

Those crappy things are meaningless..i love you..jia yee..i love you..jia yee jia yee jia yee jia yee she is the woman I love.. I’m too late.. she belongs to somebody by now..

2007-03-30T23:00:00.000-07:00

I went bak to skul today..and I saw her..but I was trying to avoid from her..when I’m leaving..juz in front of her, bunch of frenz pulled me bak ..and tcher chatted with me..i saw her few feets away..she noticed me too..hoping I can approach her..but I can never do that..i ‘m already determined to let go in order to make both her and that guy happy..mayb she’ll think I’m a jerk or wat..i’m such a cold-blooded when come to deciding..coz it’s good to hav me unhappy than the other two unhappy..sometime more is not necessary a good thing..sth I learnt from from my post of account assistant..that’s why i’m willing to sacrifice for the sake of her..so I did not even make eye-contact with her like we used to..but walked away..past was past..i’m the one who brought inconvevience to ppl..i shud be the one who mend it..maybe she will be mad of me..yea..she shud.. I’m suck a jerk..she’ll never noe how much I love her..how much I’ve done to please her and disguise myself..at last..so much of sustaining knives and blades..i think I’ve made her happy.. ppl u love..no matter how much you do..the main thing is to make her happy..and I think I’ve both succeeded and failed..coz I’ve made her hate and angry of me..but at the same time…..she must be having wonderful moment with that guy by now…..i wish you GOOD LUCK!! I’m such a silly and stupid guy..now only you noe..

Blood Donation Drive

2007-03-25T23:00:00.000-07:00

It has been a long time I did not do charity..i haven’t been so active in outside skul activity recently..so, i joined a blood donation drive force..it was a nice experience..the world of which I know is not that cruel actually..there are loves flowing among the these people..they are like me..hoping to help people to make the world a better place to live..although the drive was organised in somewhere I don’t really think there will be many ppl contributing a part of their body..but..we succeeded 350 packs of blood..this over-hits the first point of us..which we speculate there would be only 200 packs.. the result was quite shocking.. I wore a grey colour shirt and a pure white trousers and a pair of white shoes as well.. with the shirt tucked in tight like small kid..i feel the stupidity of mine..but it was nth actually..i told myself..’you are helping the society and saving the world right now’..so bother nth about ur nerd appearance..lol..standing before a banner..i helped giving out the small notices..some ppl wanted me to bring them to the place..so kind am i..and so proud of myself being so kind-hearted..then when I’m bak to the venue, ppl are still waiting to donate their blood..packs of blood laid on the tray faraway..those are result from our effort..with these bloods..thousands and millions of lives can be saved..from the donatee..i can see hearts of wilingness to help the victims…some are even disable..sitting in wheelchairs..but they holding a wish to contribute to this society.. love starting to bond among the visitors..love are see-able right now in front of me..this love makes our world remain its beauty..so beautiful it is..so pretty..and i dun want to die now..

Tug-of-War

2007-03-24T00:37:00.000-07:00

Forgetting doesn’t mean abandoning the feeling for her..it’ll never..the feeling last forever..dunnot hesitate…when the stars bring you to tears again..dont look bak..no..

War has been declared..together we stand with just..with L’s super deductive thinking..Light’s mysteries..Shinigami’s eyes..i’ll make this world a perfect place to all human..

I’m a kid..who doesn’t like to lose..Unraveling mysteries..like L..Concealing crimes..like Light..Seeing flaw easily with Sinigami’s eyes..The war has been declared..So don’t you try to win me..you ‘ll never succeed..

I’m a man of pretending..living in disguise..i onli feel myself is myself when I’m in bathroom..when I’m take off my cloths..when water of shower washes away the disguise of mine..dat’s when I’m who I am..

2007-03-17T20:24:00.000-07:00

Fren: Hey wad cha doin? Don’t make me dat face again..i hate ur murung face..hmm..since u r so unhappy..let me sing u a song...（于是一手便捉起吉它）

“路边有一朵花花边长着一粒瓜

瓜边蹲着阿牛阿牛等着他的阿花

阿花告诉那阿牛说

她要到那遥远的地方去寻找她的理想

她的梦和不一样的日子她要到远方去生活

阿牛呆呆看着阿花半天说不出一句话

他唯有无奈的摘下身边那朵花送给他的阿花

然后说希望这朵花能够伴你找到你的梦和你的理想

还交代阿花记得写信给他
啊................

阿花的信一次比一次短

阿牛等信的日子却一次比一次长

直到有一天直到有一天直到有一天

有人告诉那阿牛说

你的阿花已经嫁给别人当老婆

她永远不会回来故乡

你不必再等她她不会回来了啦

(福建)伊已经找到别个人嫁给有钱人

忘记故乡的人你何必再等她她永远不会回来了啦

(福建)难道要等伊一世人等伊一世人?

路边已经开满花花边也长满了瓜

瓜边依然蹲着阿牛阿牛依然等着他的阿花

可是花儿开了又谢瓜儿长了又采

阿牛的阿花始终没回来……”

砰！！门关上。。雄走了出去。。wad’s left of the guy is onli the guitar and fan’s spinning..

2007-03-16T00:40:00.000-07:00

I don’t wanna let u go..sarangteogeso..

A day of nitemares in the day time..before it starts I tot it was goin be a wonderful day. Everything went well until dat guy appear..i dun blame him..but myself..dat moment onwards myself become zero..nth at all but a shadow..tailing behind..dat guy..i never study him thoroughly..but I think he is kinda immature..my frank words..i dunno..feels like is she a bitch or wat..a gurl who falls to other easily..juz bcoz dat guy likes her..is dat her..perhaps..i never noe her much actually..juz some physical chats never further our feeling though..is my fault not to bring it further..i hav no such courage..we noe each other in our hearts..never told her my feeling.nor did she.. but y am I so coward..i dunno..mayb I’ll never noe..wad I want is a thing dat can last long forever..not puppy like thing..not kids playing with toys..always attracted to new dolls..i noe nth of her much..cant even approach further since she is so defensive..i’ve promised to wait..but will i..?? it’s all my fault..all my fault ..WHY am I so noob in basketball..nah..nvm.things get over faster than u tot..juz let it be..

Things went well when I’m alone.when both of them disappeared..everyone seems odd..i noe sth’s happening..i suspect dat guy..i knew dat..with L’s deduction and shinigami’s eyes..i noe everything..her frenz started to crowd me and hav me to stay away from them..i obeyed their wish..and when we reach karaoke..she went there later..seemed feeling guilty and trying to approach me..but I knew dat..dat’s gurl..she was feeling sorry..i pretended I was busy checking the mag..never even bother bout her even she is behind me..and she noe dat I knew her existence..she tot I was angry..dat’s great my mission accomplished..but the side-effect was sorrowness aroused inside me..lasted for the rest of the days..never been so humiliated..then when on9..i pretended I was happy with the outing..and pretended to be ok when they ask me wether I’m still angry..and prtended to be fine in front of her too..

So many times I hav been thinking bout this problem..i noe I hav lose..the lack of caring and loving make me a loser..i never blame anyone..it was all my fault..erm..for not being honest..for not being caring enuff..but shud I giv up..?? there r two choices for u..he and me..which one will u choose..they bet she ‘ll choose him..me guess dat too..marathon-like love will never suit her I can say..dat day onwards I noe dat we are from different world..me a boring guy..likes to shopping onli for books and musics..a guy who dunno how to express himself when come to face to face..a guy who is so secretive..a guy is very proud of himself..thinking nothing can obstacle him..hidung tinggi u would say..with flying colors results..so famous dat the tcher oso praise him..noe how to play piano..love musics..singing not bad..erm..humor..HEY!! am I promoting myself??..lol..nah..dun bother bout them..there are a lot of things ya’ll still dunno bout me..you think these are my kelebihan..and u like dat..but after u befrended with me..u’ll noe I’m not dat great..oh shit..bak to topic..i’ll never be hers..tot we could do long run(marathon)..but who noes…things hav gone so ruined in these few months..and I noe this kind of love will never be guaranteed...so ..let’s flow with time..time will change my perspect..LOL…Honestly..dat nite I’ve wished a shinigami will send me to execution..but It never happened until I realize there are a lot of things for me to do..like saving this world..lol..so wish me gud luck..

One Hour Before SPM....

2007-03-12T20:31:00.000-07:00

How come time passes so slow?!
My heart pounded so fast so hard..
Butterflies in my stomach..
Can't stop myself looking at the clock..
Every tick slices my flesh..
Every round crushes my bone..
It's sooo torturing..!!

Hand in hand

2007-03-07T22:40:00.000-08:00

Hmm… have you ever seen other old couples holding hands walking in the park.. time passes so fast.. I don’t even noe it’s already spring.. Sniff sniff nice fragrance of flowers..

Everytime I see her..my heart pounded so fast so hard.. YOU let me meet her even a minute, that’ll please me the whole day..the whole day drunk in love..oh god.. what had happened to me..though so close, we so far from each other.. so eager to tell..no courage.. whenever I see into your eyes.. they contains not even my shadow..my heart falls into the canyon at the speed of light..as if it’s the end of the world..

Places flooded.. dark clouds shrouding lands.. the world of mine has turned into darkness.. fear strikes.. her sweet voice faded away.. followed by sweet fragrance..and even her shadow.. from my mind.. I cant keep her in my small lil room anymore..sorry..perhaps..